Velorooms - Cycling Forum

General => General Discussion => Topic started by: froome19 on January 26, 2013, 23:34

Title: The Joke Thread
Post by: froome19 on January 26, 2013, 23:34
Here are a sample of the type of jokes in fashion at the moment from where I am from: (nb: Everything in here is very definitely not serious/intended to insult)


Why did the boy drop his ice cream?

Because he was hit by a bus.


How do you confuse a blond?

Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.



Why was six afraid of seven?

It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.



Knock, Knock.

Who's there?

Dave.

Dave who?

Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.


What's brown and sticky? A stick.


Why do black people eat fried chicken?

Because it tastes good.


Sorry for making you read those  :embarrassed
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Havetts on January 26, 2013, 23:35
It is white and when it falls out of a tree your dishwasher is broken, what is it?

Spoiler (hover to show)


Two old ladies are sitting on a park bench, when suddenly a guy jumps out of the bushes and flashes them. The first old lady had a stroke. The second old lady couldn't reach.

Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: froome19 on January 26, 2013, 23:38
Oh this one my dad made up (well he says so but I have heard it elsewhere)

What is: Green, has four legs, 24 balls and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you.

Spoiler (hover to show)
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Havetts on January 26, 2013, 23:45
Ok ok, another two bad ones:

- A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
- Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Zam on February 04, 2013, 17:55
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/405674_545335502167787_228444740_n.jpg)
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: DB-Coop on January 25, 2014, 00:57
Never knew this thread existed here is a cycling related graph joke for you people.

(http://oi44.tinypic.com/29vo5tk.jpg)
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: DB-Coop on January 25, 2014, 01:27
Made another graph joke.

(http://oi44.tinypic.com/s4tfnc.jpg)
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: DB-Coop on January 25, 2014, 18:49
And a Venn diagram
(http://oi44.tinypic.com/333jzib.jpg)
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: DB-Coop on January 29, 2014, 13:32
(http://oi60.tinypic.com/20qlwp.jpg)
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: DB-Coop on January 30, 2014, 15:15
(http://oi57.tinypic.com/fvkc3k.jpg)
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Leadbelly on January 30, 2014, 15:45
Those of us in the UK who follow football might have heard of something called the Liverpool Boom/Bust graph, which is actually looking a bit out of date this season as it  seems their title challenge might be on, so I've updated it to a cycling theme and the Alberto Boom/Bust graph.

(http://i60.tinypic.com/2re2yds.png)
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Armchair Cyclist on January 30, 2014, 20:06
I'm guessing that DB Coop is inspired by Venn that Tune: highly recommended.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: DB-Coop on January 30, 2014, 20:23
I'm guessing that DB Coop is inspired by Venn that Tune: highly recommended.

I have never seen that before, I googled it and I find it pretty funny though.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Ram on February 07, 2014, 13:02
Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in the hospital ICU with tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all around my head, unbearable pain over my left ear and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.  It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.

She looked deep & steady into my eyes and I heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

I managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your breasts, then?”
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Ram on February 09, 2014, 12:45
The GFC has hit small companies the most. A person I know, Andrew, was the manager of such a company which had hit hard times. Andrew, having to cut costs spends the weekend on a possible solution. 

After extreme thought, he came to the solution to lay off two of his staff. He informs two of his staff, Jane and Jack, of the impending situation and calls them for a meeting the following week to put their case forward to remain in the company.

He arrives early Monday morning to hear each of their cases.

"Jane, as you can see, the company has been losing money for a while now, and unfortunately the situation so demands that if costs aren't cut, we'll all be out of a job. I've spent a few days thinking about this and can offer two solutions- either lay you or Jack off."

Jane, slightly taken aback, replies-
"Well it's that time of the month sir, so it looks as if you'd have to jack off."
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: DB-Coop on February 11, 2014, 14:17
In relation to the BMC thread:

(http://oi62.tinypic.com/2556hz8.jpg)
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Ram on February 19, 2014, 12:44
A couple was invited to a swanky masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. There was no need for his good time to be spoiled by her not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and, being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you, I loaned your dad the costume and, apparently, he had the time of his life."
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: DB-Coop on February 20, 2014, 21:11
With all the hype about the Armstrong lie I decided to make a movie poster of my own, it is a little bit crude because my Photoshop skills are not that great really. But here is what I could come up with.

(http://oi57.tinypic.com/2a76frr.jpg)
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on February 25, 2014, 19:30
Roy Hodgsons contemplating using a psycologist to help England with penalties at the World Cup..

Penalties ????


Flip me..... You have to admire his optimism ;)  :D
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on March 12, 2014, 07:37
I went to the cinema to see 12 years a Slave,

 I was totally shocked at the horror, cruelty and pure exploitation man can inflict on his fellow man,



£8 for a flipping popcorn & coke !!!!
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Ram on March 14, 2014, 06:37
A boy asks his mother for breakfast immediately after waking up. She says, "After you feed the animals."

The boy went outside but didn't feel like feeding the chickens. So he kicks the chicken. He did the same to the cow and the pig.

The boy then goes back into the house and tells his mother that he's hungry. The mother replies, "I saw you kick the chicken, so you're not getting any eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so you're not getting any milk. And I saw kick the pig, so you're not getting any bacon."

Just then the boy's father walks down the steps, trips and kicks the cat. The boy, beaming widely, says, "Mum, will you tell him or should I?"
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Armchair Cyclist on March 14, 2014, 07:36
It was a beautiful spring morning, and a couple from the city decide to enjoy a day in the countryside, so set off for a drive in the car.  As they drive down an idyllic country lane, they are surprised to see a small girl struggling to pull a huge, very stubborn bull along the road.  The animal was calm, and not posing any danger, but even with the traditional ring through its nose, it had no intention of responding to the girl's attempts to move it.

The couple pulled their car over, appalled at such a blatant case of inappropriate child labour.  As the window whirred down, the wife asked, "What are you doing, trying to move such a large animal?"
"It's the breeding season missus," the girl replied, "so I'm bringing the bull down to the cows to get them in calf."
"Can your father not do that?" the townies continued, in their most patronising tone.
"No," sighed the little girl, "it has to be the bull."
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on April 23, 2014, 07:47
Whats the difference between David Moyes and Primark ??

Anything put together by Primark usually lasts a season..
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on April 23, 2014, 07:52
Jurgen Klopp has ruled himself out of the Man Utd job. However he did mention his brother "Klipperty" is available
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on June 25, 2014, 16:56
Luis Suarez has told a press conference he has requested a transfer to Bayern Munich. He can't wait to get his teeth into a shoulder of Lahm
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: johnmarquez on July 03, 2014, 21:22
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!
All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: LaVelocipede on July 03, 2014, 23:47
(slightly childish)
If I have ten apples and you have eleven ice cubes, how many waffles fit on the roof?

Purple, because aliens don't wear hats.

Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: froome19 on July 28, 2014, 18:26
Why did Sally fall off the swing?

Because her mom threw a fridge at her.

*sorry
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on August 09, 2014, 06:30
Oscar Pistorious has sacked his legal team and hired Celtics, he heard you can loose both legs and win.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: LaVelocipede on August 11, 2014, 20:51
Why did Sally fall off the swing?

Because her mom threw a fridge at her.

*sorry
But why did Helen fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.

Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: LaVelocipede on August 11, 2014, 20:52
But why did Helen fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.
Knock knock? Who's there? Not Helen.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: froome19 on August 12, 2014, 09:03
But why did Helen fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.
i didn't want to go down that route but seeing as you started it


why did Helen fall of the swing?
Because she had no arms.

Why didn't Helen get back on the swing?
Because she had no legs

Knock knock..
Who is there?
Not Helen!
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on August 20, 2014, 16:39
"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the McLaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: LaVelocipede on August 20, 2014, 18:32
"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the McLaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower
Hahaaaaa superb!
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Echoes on August 21, 2014, 15:15
A Belgian guy tells a friend of his, he wants to go on holiday to Spain. He tells him the name of the village...

The friend: Ah if you go there you must absolutely go to a restaurant called Los cojones and the speciality there is los cojones.

So the first restaurant he finds is that one.

The waiter is coming: What do you want to eat, señor?

Well, what do you have to eat?

Los cojones, señor.

And what else do you have?

Nothing.

So why do you ask me? I'll take los cojones then.
But tell me. What are los cojones?

Ah el señor doesn't know los cojones are.
Do you see what a bull is. You see what a bullock is. Bull - Bullock = Cojones

Oh yeah I see. But why do you only have that here?

Ah señor, that's because here it's bullfighting. Everywhere. In the village. In the next village. In the mountains, everywhere. So when the bull gets killed. We take the cojones for the restaurant.

Oh that's a good idea. But is that good?

Check it out yourself.

He's having a look at the other tables. There were dishcovers on the dishes but when you take them out, there were two big brown balls with rice around and a sauce that smelled like Madeira. It smelled great, copious, hearty.

OK I'll take it.

5 minutes later, the waiter came back with the dish and the dishcover. The guy is already dribbling. He's hungry.

The waiter takes the dishcover away and ... **surprise**

There were two little balls.

The guy says: But that's impossible. I'm starving and the others have big balls ...

The waiter: That, señor, is bad luck. Usually the bull is the one to get killed but this time the torero was dead !
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on August 27, 2014, 20:02
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The Manager asked "Do you have sales experience?"
The young man answered, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo."

The Manager liked the Aussie lad so gave him a job. His first day was challenging and very busy, but he got through it. After the store locked up, the manager came down and asked, "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"

The Aussie said, "One!"

The manager groaned and continued, "Just one? Our sales people average 28 sales a day.How much was the sale for?"

"£124,237.64p.."

The manager choked and exclaimed "£124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?'

"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then some sinkers and then sold him a new fishing rod."

"Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and sold him that "twin-engine Power Cat"

"Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull the boat , so I took him down to car sales and sold him the 4x4."

The manager, incredulous, said, "You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?"

"No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his girlfriend and I said... Well, since your weekend's stuffed, you might as well go fishing"
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: LaVelocipede on August 27, 2014, 20:14
Qantas Airlines: Repair Division

Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics
about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots
review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P)
and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.


P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed..

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks causes throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny............ (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last...................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something
with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
:D
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: LukasCPH on August 27, 2014, 21:57
Thank you for today's greatest laugh. :lol
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on September 02, 2014, 17:55
A small zoo in North Carolina obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat.

To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:

“First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
 
"Second", he said, "She must wear a 'I love the USA’' T-Shirt." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third" , he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.

And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'm gonna need another week to come up with the $500.00.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: froome19 on September 02, 2014, 18:16

And the best one for last...................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something
with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
:D
Brilliant.

Loved it

Good work
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: DB-Coop on September 07, 2014, 20:09
Not really a joke, more a sad (and funny) fact about urban planning in the town I lived in as a child.

Either way sometime back before I was born the town decided they needed a retirement home, and they found a spot to build one on both close to town and also neatly close to the forest. The lot was on a corner. What neighbors did the retirement home get one might ask, well across from them they had the hospital, on the opposite corner was the crematorium, and on the last lot was the largest cemetery in town. Enjoy the view folks...  :o
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Thround on September 21, 2014, 12:40
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus...

He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that the octopus can play any musical instrument in the world."

Everyone in the bar laughs and calls him an idiot.

"Ok, I'll give £10 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A man walks up with a guitar and gives it to the octopus.
The octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Eric Clapton. The guitar owner pays up.

Another man walks up with a trumpet.
This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. The trumpet-owner coughs up.

Then Jock puts some bagpipes on the table.

The octopus fumbles with the bagpipes for a minute and then backs off with a confused look.

"Ha!" the Scot says. "Can ye no play it?"

The octopus looks up at him and says: "Play it? I'm going to **** it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off."
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: batchuba on September 21, 2014, 21:35
I only know two jokes, in total.


How did Luke Skywalker know what Darth Vader got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.


Horse walks into a bar. Barman says "Why the long face?". Horse replies "I have cancer".



And that's my entire repertoire. Between the two of them, I have a suitable joke for every occasion.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Thround on September 25, 2014, 06:37
Getting married again .....

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin". "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?

Well...........

Husband 1 was an Architect; he kept on telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband 2 was a Computer Manager; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband 3 was a Services Consultant; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband 4 was a Project Manager; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband 5 was a Structural Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the art method.

Husband 6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

Husband 9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was .....God I miss him!

But now that I've married you, "I'm so excited!"

"Great" said the husband, "but, why?"

"You're an Estate Agent. So this time I just KNOW I'm gonna get shafted!"
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on October 27, 2014, 20:14
landlord at pub has announced a £100 prize for the best haloween outfit.the wife won it last year ,she wasn't very happy about it to be honest she"d only come to pick me up
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on February 26, 2015, 21:08
A bus full of ugly people unexpectedly crashes and kills everyone on board
Everyone shows up at the Gates of Heaven where God comes to meet them all Himself.

"Gee guys, I didn't intend for that to happen, I'm really sorry. I can't just resurrect you, but to make up for it I'll grant you all one wish before I let you in."

The first person steps up and thinks for a moment.
He says "You know God, I've been ugly all my life. For once I would like to know what it is like to be beautiful. Make me beautiful." So God snaps his fingers and it is so.

Everyone else starts chattering amongst themselves at such a brilliant idea. They all start wishing for the same thing.

God steps up to the last guy in line who is laying on his side laughing so hard he is crying. After several minutes of patiently waiting, God finally says "Now what in Heaven could be so funny boy?" The man stands up, wipes a tear from his eye and says "Make them all ugly again."
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on May 07, 2015, 10:59
I cant help but think Will and Kate missed a trick with the baby naming thing. Elizabeth Paris Mercedes would have been a nice touch  of modern and historical as well as been the correct Cluedo answer to " what happened to grandma ?"
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on June 17, 2015, 19:57



A guy sends a text to his next-door neighbor:

"Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you. I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again."

Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.

Moments later the guy gets a second text: "Really should use spell check! That should be "wifi"."
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: froome19 on June 17, 2015, 20:13
Where do you get these from :fp :fp

:P
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Joelsim on June 17, 2015, 22:13
Two monkeys sitting in the bath and the first says to the other "Ooh ooh aah aah"


And the other says "Well put some cold in if it's too hot"



Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on September 22, 2015, 21:17
Im enjoying the Rugby World Cup but my wife is taking it to seriously. Last night she gave 2 penalties against me, One for handling errors and then another for not rolling away
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on October 19, 2015, 07:50
late Victorian times when the British Empire was in its prime, the army sent a new commanding officer out to a remote jungle outpost in deepest Africa to relieve the old retiring colonel.

On greeting his replacement the old Colonel tells his replacement ''Come and meet my, sorry your right-hand man, the great Captain Dithers – amazing chap, indeed somewhat of a legend in these parts.”

They walk across the parade ground and there inside the Officer mess, Captain Dithers is introduced to the new CO – who is dumbstruck by what he sees. There in front of him is Captain Dithers – he has the facial features of the elephant man, stands only 3 feet tall, is crossed eyed, had ears like an African elephant, one arm at least half as long as the other, a hunched back, huge man breasts and feet that are at least size 15’s!

''Dithers, old bean,'' barked the old colonel, ''this here’s your new CO. I’ve told him you’re quite a celeb’ around here. Now be a good fellow and fill him in about yourself and why you are such a legend.''

''Well, Sir” started Dithers in a lispy tone, “I won the boat race with Cambridge, went to Sandhurst and left with the highest ever pass rate, was handpicked to join the regiment and won the Military Cross and bar after three solo expeditions behind enemy lines including saving the Colonel. I single handedly captured an enemy stronghold for which I was reward by being one of the first living recipients of the Victoria Cross. I've represented the Army in equestrian, Rugby, and Cricket and was Services rifle marksman for the year 1875, and ……..”

''For God’s sake man” roared the old Colonel “Your new CO can find all that bloody waffle in your file man. Now come on, cut to the chase and tell him about that day you told that local witch doctor to get f*cked......''
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: DB-Coop on November 04, 2015, 20:18
I suppose this one goes here... :lol

http://www.cyclingweekly.co.uk/cycling-weekly/100-best-riders-right-now-191982

Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Slapshot on November 05, 2015, 10:49
I suppose this one goes here... :lol

http://www.cyclingweekly.co.uk/cycling-weekly/100-best-riders-right-now-191982

You're right, funniest thing I've seen in ages!!!

Glad I scrapped my subscription to the rag.... it's just cheesy Team Sky psychophancy nonsense these days
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: cj2002 on November 05, 2015, 11:16
You're right, funniest thing I've seen in ages!!!

Glad I scrapped my subscription to the rag.... it's just cheesy Team Sky psychophancy nonsense these days

Lol - I'd seen tweets about it but didn't actually look at the list (assuming it would be awful). I just don't understand how someone like Laura Trott who is in dominant form on the track is only 72nd, behind riders who had average seasons on the road, aside from perhaps one standout race. Or riders like Sep Vanmarcke (58) who has immense potential but has had a season to forget.

But nothing quite tickled me as much as:

38 - Bradley Wiggins vs. 41 - Esteban Chaves :chaves

Umm... nope. Just nope.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: DB-Coop on November 05, 2015, 11:19
You're right, funniest thing I've seen in ages!!!

Glad I scrapped my subscription to the rag.... it's just cheesy Team Sky psychophancy nonsense these days

Not as much the Sky hype that got me as the complete arbitrary way the ratings seem to have been made, it seems that every ones in a while they just pulled a name out of the hat. A good example how did they get Mads Pedersen at 44 and Julian Alaphillipe at 48? One looks like he will turn into at the least a solid WT rider, and perhaps better, however the other without winning any, almost tripled in The Ardennes? I mean I love me some Mads P, but that is just ridiculous, imo he shouldn't even be the best ranked Mads (Mads Würtz being U23 world ITT champion, and winning U23 classification at PDR puts him ahead imo)

Also why would you try to make a list of both women and mens cycling? How do you decide where to slot in the women? I don't get it, clearly #100 Benãt Intxausti is going to be faster than #2 Lizzie Armitstead so how do you determine what bonus to give female riders for being female, ie. why is Lizzie second, and not first or fifth?
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: DB-Coop on November 05, 2015, 11:37
Sep Vanmarcke (58) who has immense potential but has had a season to forget.

Almost any performance of his can be summed up as Sep had a mechanical with 18 kilometers to go, Sep tries to close the gap alone, he reduces the gap to 25 seconds, he runs out of power, Sep drops back to the group he tried to bridge from, fast.

38 - Bradley Wiggins vs. 41 - Esteban Chaves :chaves

Umm... nope. Just nope.

Also #84 Kittel and #20 Cavendish

Both under preforming, but looking back a year, easy pick who should be ahead, especially considering EQS just dumped one for the other.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Slapshot on January 02, 2016, 16:11
Thought For the Day:

Viagra won't make you James Bond but it will make you Roger Moore!...

.......................................

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Utrecht, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Slapshot on January 02, 2016, 16:20
A woman walked into the kitchen and saw her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing" she asked.
"Hunting flies" he responded.
"So...how many have you killed ?" she asked.
"So far three males and two females" he replied.
Intrigued, she asked "so how can you tell ?"
He respond, "three were on a beer can and two were on the phone"

.............................................

On a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me: I'm me. I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood. What do you say to that?”

The Englishman lowered his newspaper and replied, "How very sporting of your mother."

...........................................

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.
'I vish to buy sex mit you.'
'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge you £50 an hour.'

"Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'
'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'
The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.
'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'
She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.
'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'
She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.)

She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,
'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position?'

'Ah,' says the German ........ 'zat is ze....
'Four-sprung Duck technique
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Slapshot on January 03, 2016, 16:01
More ??   :D :D :D

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local town. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye: "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World and the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop. "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you." The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Three minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those." "I'm very sorry Sir", says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth again, I can play you have another track." The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Three minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it", he says, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!" "I'm terribly sorry, Sir" says the young man, "perhaps if you'd like to step into the booth again, you could hear another track." Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth. Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated. "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this LP."

"I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant,


wait for it........



. . . "I've just realised I was playing you the bee side
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Slapshot on January 03, 2016, 16:03
Maths Joke..

When three Native American women were giving birth they were in the maternity teepee and two were lying on buffallo hides but the other one was lying on the hide of a hippopotamus. When they had delivered the papooses they were weighed and both of the women who used buffallo hides delivered babies which were 8lbs exactly. The other child weighed in at 16lbs thus proving the theory of Pythagoras that the son of the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

..................................................

Baby Polar bear says to his mum "Mum! am I really a polar bear?"

Of course you are baby bear, you've got a big fury white coat and big white paws

a minute goes past and baby bear says again "Mum! am I really a polar bear?"

Of course you are baby bear, you love eating seals and fish dont you

another minute goes past and baby bear again says "Mum! am I really a polar bear?"

Mum says of course you are baby bear, you live in the Arctic, got a fury white coat,big white paws,love eating fish and seals, why do you keep asking?

Baby polar bear says " Because I'm ****ing freezing"

........................................

My mate was a complete trainspotter unfortunately one day he fell off the platform in front of a Steam Locomotive..... he was chuffed to bits......
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Slapshot on January 03, 2016, 16:06
Scam Warning Please BEWARE!

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Sainsbury's for a bit of shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic.

Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking voluptuous eastern European 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot.

They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another supermarket store.  You agree and they both get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing, and both get completely naked.

Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately, and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!

I've had my wallet stolen August 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, and 29th. Also September 1st, 4th,6th,10th twice yesterday and very likely again this coming weekend.

P.S. Aldi have wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl are £1.75 and look better

 :D :D
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Joelsim on January 03, 2016, 16:14
I don't mind gay people as long as they don't ram it down my throat.


 ;)











*You probably have to be a colloquial English speaker to get that.

Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Ram on January 04, 2016, 11:23
Im enjoying the Rugby World Cup but my wife is taking it to seriously. Last night she gave 2 penalties against me, One for handling errors and then another for not rolling away
I'm guessing you've had better rucks.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Armchair Cyclist on January 04, 2016, 13:29

Mum says of course you are baby bear, you live in the Antartic, got a fury white coat,big white paws,love eating fish and seals, why do you keep asking?


errm, wrong hemisphere...
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Slapshot on January 04, 2016, 20:18
errm, wrong hemisphere...
I know..... just wanted to see who was paying attention...  ;) ;) Cut and paste from the wrong place!
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on January 08, 2016, 11:10
i made just one resolution this year, that is to have more sex.
















I just havent told my cellmate yet............
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: DB-Coop on January 08, 2016, 12:07
i made just one resolution this year, that is to have more sex.
















I just havent told my cellmate yet............

He should probably have realized already, when you gave him soap bars for Christmas :lol
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: LaVelocipede on January 08, 2016, 22:54
A store that sells new husbands has opened in Utrecht, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited
I've seen that one, it's rather good.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on January 10, 2016, 11:48



A very rich lawyer is approached by a charity worker who is concerned that the lawyer didn't donate any money to charity, despite making over a million pound that year.

"First of all," says the lawyer, "my mother is bedridden and gets no help from social services. Second, I have five kids through three divorce marriages. Third, my sister's husband recently died and she has no one to support her four children."

"I'm terribly sorry," says the charity worker, "I feel bad about asking for your money.

" So you should," replies the lawyer. "If I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on January 10, 2016, 11:58
Paddy says to Mick... "Them steroids are nasty things Michael - in fact I heard only last week that they can have some odd side effects - from severe headaches to actually growing an extra willy! Would you believe that - an extra willy!"

"Anabolic?" asks Mick

"No" said Paddy "Just a willy....."
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on January 18, 2016, 14:06
The world of tennis has been rocked by allegations of corruption and match fixing.

Tim Henman has come forward to say that he had no involvement and that he is just s***.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on January 29, 2016, 19:47
Paddy say's to Murphy "i robbed a shop last night full of expensive pictures, the cheapest one was £180,000"
Murphy say's "Paddy you thick **** you robbed an estate agents!"
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Joelsim on January 29, 2016, 19:51
Subject: How a Woman takes a shower vs. How a Man does


How To Shower Like A Woman:

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.

4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.

9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.

10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).

11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.

12. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.

13. Turn off shower.

14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.

16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.

17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

18. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed skin and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.


How To Shower Like A Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the "woo" sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your dick in the mirror, scratch your balls and smell your fingers for one last whiff.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one)

6. Wash your face

7. Wash your armpits

8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.

9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.

10. Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.

11. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)

12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.

14. Pee (in the shower)

15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hang out of the tub the whole time.

16. Partial dry off.

17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire dick size.

18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.

19. Leave bathroom and fan light on.

20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your dick, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.

21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on January 29, 2016, 19:57
Three dead bodies turn up at the Dublin mortuary all with very big smiles on their faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

“First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector,” says the Coroner.

“Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery. Spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”

The Inspector asked, “What about the third body?”
“Ah,” says the coroner, “this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.”
“Why is he smiling then?” enquires the Inspector.
“He thought he was having his picture taken.”
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Joelsim on January 29, 2016, 20:00
An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese guy are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling." And to the Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of supplies."

So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" He replies "I no hava no broom, you saida to the Chinese guy that he wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."

The foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." He replied, "Aye, ye did lad, bit ah couldnae git masel' a shuvl! Ye left thon wee Chinese mannie in chairge of supplies, bit ah couldnae fin' him onywhar."

The foreman is really peeed off now and storms off towards the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. As he approaches the mound, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the sand and yells…

"SUPPLIES!"
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Slapshot on January 29, 2016, 20:57
Monica is back in the news for the US Elections!
Monica Lewinsky released the following statement on Hilary Clinton's
run for President:

”I will not vote for Hilary Clinton. The last Clinton presidency left a
bad taste in my mouth. As we get closer to the 2016 election year,
citizens must remember that they cannot even trust Hillary Clinton to
create American jobs. The last time she had a meaningful job, she
outsourced it to me and I simply blew it".

Love
Monica

--------------------------------------------------------------

Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter and once in awhile he went on one of the other Sundays.

On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed vhat a fine looking woman she was. while they were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said, "Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner next Friday?"

"Yes, Ole, that would be nice," said Lena.

Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest restaurant in town.

When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said, "Hey, Lena, would you like a cocktail before dinner?"

"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?"

Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner.

Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes.

"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "would you like a smoke?"

"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?"

Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his Ford and was driving Lena home when they passed the Hot Springs Motel.

He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how would you like to stop at that motel with me?"

"Yes, Ole, that vould be nice," said Lena.

Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the road, and drove back to the motel and checked in with Lena.

The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed, her blond curls on the pillow.

"What have I done? What have I done?" thought Ole. He shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena, I've got to ask you something," said Ole. "What are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

"Lena said, "The same thing I always tell them. You don't have to smoke or drink to have a good time!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD.. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.'
The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'
The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'
The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'
The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice.'
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims,
'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.'
The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!' ……
"Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.
'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!'
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Slapshot on January 29, 2016, 21:01
Thai Lottery

Two Thai girls asked me if I’d like to go bed with them; they said it would be just like winning Lotto! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off, and to my horror, we had six matching balls!


--------------------------------------------------------------

Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Slapshot on January 31, 2016, 09:47
The pretty secretary came in late for work the third day in a row.

The boss called her into his office and said.

"Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here."

The boss pressed on, "Who told you you could come and go as you please around here ?"

Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said, "My lawyer."
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on February 09, 2016, 07:38
I was drinking at a bar last night when a waitress screamed, "Does anyone know CPR?"
I shouted, "Hell, I know the whole alphabet."

Everyone laughed... Well everyone except this one guy.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Slapshot on March 02, 2016, 20:30
standard apologies apply  :lol :lol

Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy’s Pub in London. After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says, ‘I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland’

The other bloke responds proudly, ‘Yes, that I am!’

The first one says, ‘So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?’

The other bloke answers, ‘I’m from Dublin, I am.’

The first one responds, ‘So am I!’

‘Mother Mary and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?’

The other bloke says, ‘A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.’

The first one says, ‘Faith and it’s a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?’

The other bloke answers, ‘Well now, I went to St. Mary’s, of course.’

The first one gets really excited and says, ‘And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?’
The other bloke answers, ‘Well, now, let’s see. I graduated in 1964.’

The first one exclaims, ‘The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same place tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self!’
About this time, Vicky walks up to the bar, sits down and orders a drink.
Brian, the barman, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, ‘It’s going to be a long night tonight.’

Vicky asks, ‘Why do you say that, Brian?’
‘The Murphy twins are drunk again.’
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Armchair Cyclist on March 03, 2016, 22:34
The whale and the herring seemed, to all the other fish, to be inseparable: one was never seen without the other.  Rumours flourished as to why they were so attached, but they remained unaware of this.

And one day, quite unexpectedly, the herring was swimming around on his own.  Most of the other sea creatures were too shocked, or too embarrassed, to say anything, but the wise and sensitive old octopus jetted over to express his concern.  "It's unusual to see you on your own," he cautiously opened, "is everything alright with your whale friend?"

"How would I know?" replied the herring, "I am not my blubber's kipper."
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: l29205 on March 04, 2016, 02:33
Political Joke:

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a boat in the middle of the ocean.  The boat capsizes.  Who wins?


America  :D
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Armchair Cyclist on March 04, 2016, 15:19
You probably need to remember British TV in the eighties for this to mean anything to you.



A diner in a restaurant that specialises in sea-food requests squid.  As is customary, he is shown to the tank where squid, lobster and other species are swimming around until they are selected.  Several healthy muscular squid are jetting around, so the customer spent some time deciding, when he notices, cowering down in one corner, an aged creature around whom a green film of algae had begum to form.

The waiter was astonished when the customer pointed out this as his chosen meal.  He tried to persuade him, suggesting that the taste and texture of the younger fitter squid would be far better.  If the waiter had been totally honest, he might have admitted that his motivation was not entirely based on the diner's experience, because many of the staff had grown fond of this timid character: he had been resident in the restaurant for longer than many of the staff had been working there, and they jokingly greeted it as they passed if there were no customers within earshot.

The diner was adamant, and would not be dissuaded, even when it was pointed out that his intended dinner had reached such an age that what looked like a moustache was beginning to form on its face.  Reluctantly, the waiter scooped it up and carried the pathetic beast off to the kitchen where it was greeted with gasps of horror and despair.  A French chef, Gervase, was usually responsible for the squid dishes, and although he tried to steel himself to the task, he could not bring himself to dispatch the beloved cephalopod, and walked away from the chopping board, sobbing quietly.   

Watching on from the far side of the kitchen was Hans, a brute of a man who had been taken on to do the washing up by a manager with a social conscience and a willingness to employ ex-cons on rehabilitation projects.  Drying his hands, and shaking his head in disgust, he strode across the floor and took up the cleaver.  He raised it to shoulder height, and then paused.  A shudder travelled from his chin to the tips of his fingers, and the cleaver was dropped to the floor as the big man turned away, burying his tear-streaked face behind a tea towel.

Which just goes to show that Hans that does dishes can be soft as Gervase, with mild green hairy-lipped squid.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on March 07, 2016, 07:27
An elderly Scottish Jew has decided to take it a little easier and take up golf and he puts his name down at the local club.
After a week he receives a message that his application has been turned down, so he goes down to the club to enquire why.

Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?
Scot... Aye but I am as Scottish as you are Jock.

Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear kilts.
Scot..... Aye, so do I.

Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under our kilts?
Scot...... Aye, neither do I.

Secretary: But you are a Jew?
Scot..... Aye, I be that.

Secretary: So you are circumcised?
Scot:..... Aye, I be that too.

Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable with that.

Scot..... Ach, away with ya man. I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen, and I know that you have to be a Catholic to become a Knight of Saint Columbus. But this is the first time I heard that, you have to be a complete pr*ck to join a golf club.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on March 07, 2016, 07:42
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their
 Tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

 Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look
 Towards sky, what you see? '

 'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'





 'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

 The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
 Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'





 'You dumber than buffalo ****. It means someone stole the tent.'
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on March 27, 2016, 20:45
Well, what a let down that was!!

There was I believing that I'd just broken my record for continuous sex_ 1 hour 1 minute and 47 seconds........... And then she tells me ******* clocks had gone forward !!!!
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Ram on April 04, 2016, 15:44
The boyfriend's paradox?

A teenage girl was being intimate with her boyfriend at her parents' house. Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them.

"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "...I'm sorry"

The dad being a dad replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!"

He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you f*cking sorry?"
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on April 07, 2016, 20:11
Murphy says to Paddy "why do scuba divers always fall out of the boat backwards"

Paddy replies, "'cos if they went forward they still be in the feckin boat"
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on May 09, 2016, 07:19
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".

"You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."

The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on May 09, 2016, 07:23

A lonely old widower meets a lonely old widow and they're discussing the possibility of living together.
He asks. How often do you have a bath?
 She replies, Once a week
Him. How often do you do a cooked breakfast?
Her. Every other day
Him. What about sex, how often
Her. Infrequently
Him. Is that one word or two?
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on June 28, 2016, 13:28
My wife bought me A " Bonnie Tyler goalkeeping blunders " DVD

It's just totally clips of Joe Hart
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Slow Rider on June 28, 2016, 14:03
Best joke of the day:

https://twitter.com/Hoopsterdell/status/747544851571412992
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on August 14, 2016, 15:17
Just  watching the Olympics, the womens beach volleyball and suddenly there was a wrist injury.


But I should be back at work on monday
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on October 24, 2016, 07:27
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to swear."The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues,"When we go in for breakfast,
I'm gonna say something with Sh*t and you say something with twit."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast,
he replies, "Aw, ****, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.
WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out,
with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice,
"And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your hairy twit it won't be Cheerios!"
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on November 03, 2016, 09:27
People are usually shocked when they find out i'm not a very good electrician.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on November 05, 2016, 09:17
Little Red riding Hood found in a critical condition.

Paramedics have stabilised her condition but she's not out of the woods yet.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on November 10, 2016, 10:37
Wednesday 9th.November 2016 will be remembered as a pivotal point in history.
















The day they changed the shape of Toblerone. 
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Havetts on November 10, 2016, 15:25
Michael J Fox on Trump winning the election:

"I'm literally shaking right now"
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Hichatentir on November 14, 2016, 10:19
LOL, thanks for your jokes :D I've really laughed so much that it felt as good as taking an effexor (https://rxcoupons.org/coupons/effexor-venlafaxine-coupons-discounts-cost/) (I am on effexor for anti depression and it makes me feel good).
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on November 14, 2016, 19:49
Thanks and welcome to VR

Excellent first post.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on November 22, 2016, 07:41


I took my dog to the park today to play frisbee with him.

He was useless!, I need a flatter dog.
*****************************************************************
I have just watched a documentary on marijuana.

I think all documentaries should be watched this way.
******************************************************************
Been sat here waiting for my mates prostate exam for 3 hours now.

Somebody wants to pull their bloody finger out!
******************************************************************
Following a sexist joke I made the other day, the Feminist Society now has my address.

Fortunately none of them can read a map!
*******************************************************************
My girlfriend hates it when I sneak up on her.

Also the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on November 22, 2016, 07:45
3 men are in line to get into heaven

St. Peter is waiting at the gates of heaven and calls the first man up.

Peter says, "You never cheated on your wife! I'm going to let you drive around heaven in a Ferrari!"
So he gets in the car and drives off through the gates.

Peter then called 2nd man up. Peter says, "Oh no, looks like you cheated on your wife TWICE! You are going to drive around heaven in an Honda Civic!"
He gets into his car and drives through the gates.

Peter calls the third man up and says, "You cheated on your wife FIVE TIMES. You are going to be driving around in a Reliant Robin!"

But, when the third man drives through the gates, he sees the person in the Ferrari on the side of the rode and he's crying.

The man asks, "Why are you crying?? You was given the nicest car out of all of us!!"
He replies, "I just saw my wife ride by on a skateboard."
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on December 05, 2016, 07:23


Confucious say:
Man & woman that go camping have naughty intent
or
Man that walks through airport door sideways always going to Bangkok

Post Merge: December 05, 2016, 07:25




Man with hole in both pockets feel cocky all day
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on December 05, 2016, 07:29
Good news at last for insomniacs

Only 4 sleeps till Christmas....
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on December 19, 2016, 07:49
This year im releasing a Christmas record " Duvet Know its Christmas"

Its a cover...
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on January 10, 2017, 20:17
FIFA considering expanding the World Cup format to 48 teams

Late challenge from Gordon Strachan though who wants to expand it to 96 teams
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on January 25, 2017, 07:15
My mates feeling pretty low at the moment. He got home this evening and found that his Mrs has moved out - and She ain't coming back.

Apparently, She took just two things with her - the satellite dish and his entire Bob Marley record collection.




No Woman, No sky
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on February 13, 2017, 07:30
West Ham fan, an Arsenal fan and a Tottenham fan were all in Saudi Arabia,sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi National Holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It is my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Arsenal fan was first in line (he had consumed the least), so he thought about it for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."
This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through it. The Arsenal fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying when the punishment was done.
The Tottenham. fan was next up (he almost finished a half-keg), and after watching the scene, said: "Choice! Please fix two pillows on my back."
But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.
The Hammers fan was the last one up (he had finished off the keg), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of London, your area has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", the Hammers fan replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asked.
"Tie that Tottenham scumbag to my back!
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on February 13, 2017, 07:36

Jose Mourinho has promised fans of Manchester United that they will be in a major European competition next year.... Even if he has to write the song himself.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: LukasCPH on February 26, 2017, 08:17
Two rainworms meet:
"Hey, where's your husband?"
"Fishing."
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on March 04, 2017, 09:18
Just noticed the wife's wearing her best sexy underwear...
This can only mean one thing...


She's behind with the washing...
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on March 04, 2017, 09:23
2020 Olympic pole vault results

Gold - Mexico
Silver - Mexico
Bronze - Mexico
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Joelsim on March 04, 2017, 10:56
2020 Olympic pole vault results

Gold - Mexico
Silver - Mexico
Bronze - Mexico


The Mexicans are really peeed off about Trump's wall. But they'll get over it.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on March 04, 2017, 12:27

The Mexicans are really peeed off about Trump's wall. But they'll get over it.

They should do ok at trampoling as well
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: killswitch on March 09, 2017, 00:48
What's the difference between USA and USB?
One connects to all your devices and accesses your data, and the other is a hardware standard.

...

Today, I gave a homeless man a watch, a phone, and $300.
You won't believe how happy I felt
after he put his knife back in his pocket.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: killswitch on March 17, 2017, 22:08
The "Secret service" doesn't yell "get down!" when the president is in danger. Instead now they yell "Donald, duck!"
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on April 03, 2017, 07:11

Nicola Sturgeon is touring rural Perthshire in the First Minister's chauffeur driven car when a cow walks out of a field and into the path of the limo. Despite the Chauffeurs best efforts to avoid the animal, he hits it full on and the car comes to a stop.

Nicola looks horrified and says to the chauffeur, 'You, get out now and check it out. You were driving and you - not I - are to blame'.

The chauffeur gets out to check and reports that the animal is dead. Nicola then says, 'Well, as I said, You were driving and therefore you - and not I - are to blame. Now go and tell the farmer. I can't afford to be blamed for anything. Now get going and hurry back'.

So, the chauffeur sets off in search of the farmhouse.

Around four hours later he returns absolutely sh*tfaced, hair a mess, shirt hanging out and the biggest grin on his face you've ever seen.

'My God, what happened to you? Where in Gods name have you been? demands Nicola.

The chauffeur replies, 'Well, I found the farmhouse and after being invited in the farmer opened a couple of bottles of his finest malt, the wife gave me a slap up meal, and then they let me shag both their daughters.'

'What on earth did you say to them about the accident to get all of that? Weren't they upset you had reduced their herd?' asks Nicola.

'Well, it was quite strange' said the chauffeur. 'I knocked on the door, and when the Farmer answered I said "I'm Nicola Sturgeon's chauffeur and I've got to tell you there has been an accident, and it was all my fault and the cow is dead". He shook my hand and invited me in!'



 
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on April 03, 2017, 07:20
A woman will fake an orgasm for the sake of a relationship

A man will fake a relationship for the sake of an orgasm
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on July 03, 2017, 07:27
This might be of interest to some of you.
The price of pies.
In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15. In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95. In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but you can buy two for £3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is £2.25, or two for £3.25. They also offer meat and potato pie for £2, or two for £3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for £2.75, or two (any combination) for £4.75

Those my friends are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean..
 ;)
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on August 08, 2017, 06:38
So the new Doctor Who is to be a woman. I'll bet she keeps bringing up the past.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on September 02, 2017, 09:47
Went to the sperm clinic yesterday.

The lady asked me if I would masturbate in the cup ?

I said "I'm good but not sure I'm ready for competitions yet"
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: killswitch on September 02, 2017, 14:27
I started a band called "999 megabytes", we don't have any gigs yet...

***

My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick. Mostly because his name is Steve.

***

An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart. In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"

***

I wouldn't call myself a steady drinker.
My hands shake too much.

***

Someone once asked me if I was drunk. I said yes... That was the shortest job interview I've ever had.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: killswitch on September 02, 2017, 14:28
In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?"

"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "Im a lawyer. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on October 09, 2017, 07:23
A bit of a long one ....

Spare a thought for poor ole Mitchell O’Leary, Chief Executive of Bryanair.
After arriving in a hotel in Manchester, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.
The barman nodded and said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."
Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
"Well, we do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday from 6 pm until 8 pm. We have the cheapest beer in England".
"That is remarkable value", Mitchell comments.
"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be £3 please."
O'Leary scowled, but paid up.
He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you £1."
"I think you may be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please".
Mitchell attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in, he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".
"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of £4 for your seat sir".
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another £3."
O'Leary was so incensed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".
"I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be £2 please."
O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I am?"
"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary."
"I've had enough! What sort of a Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only £1 per second, or part thereof".
"I will never use this bar again".
"OK sir, but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1."
Have a good weekend
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on November 09, 2017, 09:12
Why is Kevin Spacey so bad at Hide and Seek ?

Because he comes out at the wrong time.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Armchair Cyclist on November 25, 2017, 17:11
The guru was a true ascetic: he ate a barely enough to stay alive, which not only left him weak, but also afflicted with bad breath; and he always went barefoot, resulting in uncomfortable lumps of hardened skin on the soles of his feet.

He was indeed a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Sam Johnstone on November 28, 2017, 10:00
Why is Kevin Spacey so bad at Hide and Seek ?

Because he find out (http://funky-fruits-slot.com) at the wrong time.

that's a good one!
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on December 03, 2017, 13:16
I went down the offy on the bicycle last night, bought a bottle of scotch and put it in the basket on the bicycle.

Then I thought if I crash on the way home the bottle might break, so I drank all the scotch.

Turned out to be a good decision because I crashed seven time on the way home.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on December 10, 2017, 14:00
Visiting my daughter I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. She said she lives in the 21st century and dosent buy newspapers, she said I could use her i-pad though.



That fly never knew what hit it.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on January 01, 2018, 18:10
My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.

"Did you smell that food" She said "it was absolutely incredible,  and it's our anniversary  tomorrow "

F&uk it I thought, I'll treat her.

So I walked her past it again.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Joelsim on January 01, 2018, 19:01
My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.

"Did you smell that food" She said "it was absolutely incredible,  and it's our anniversary  tomorrow "

F&uk it I thought, I'll treat her.

So I walked her past it again.

I’ll bet this actually happened.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on January 08, 2018, 07:23
The seven dwarves are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city.
After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the Pope.
Grumpy, for once, seems to have a lot to say.
He keeps asking the Pontiff questions about the church and, in particular, the nuns.
"Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?" Grumpy asks.
"No, my son, all of our nuns are at least five feet tall," smiles the Pope.
"Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?"
"I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?"
"No reason," replies Grumpy.
"But you're positive? Nobody in a habit that's about three feet tall, maybe two-and-a-half feet tall?"
"I'm sure, my vertically-challenged son," says the Pope, trying not show his curiosity.
"Okay," moans Grumpy.
So the Pope listens to the dwarves as they leave the building.
"What'd he say? What'd he say?" chant the other six dwarves.
Grumpy mutters, "He said they don't have any."
And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy f&ck£d a penguin! Grumpy f&ck£d a penguin!"
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on January 08, 2018, 07:27
One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy and announced to the seven dwarfs that she was going to bed. After the usual lengthy round of "Good Nights" she went upstairs. Immediately all seven dwarfs rushed outside and began standing on each other's shoulders beneath Snow White's bedroom window. Tonight was Grumpy's turn to be on the top and as he was the only one who could see in the window. It was his duty to inform the other dwarfs what she was doing.

After a minute or two he hollered down, "She's taking off her blouse!" and this as echoed down the stack "taking off her blouse," "she's taking off her blouse," "blouse is coming off," "taking off her blouse," etc.

Next Grumpy yelled, "She's taking off her skirt," which was followed by the echoes "taking off her skirt," "she's taking off her skirt," "skirt's coming off," "taking off her skirt," etc.

Of course the next line from Grumpy was, "She's taking off her bra!" and the echo chorus went down the line.

Then, "She's taking off her panties!" which again cascaded down the dwarf tower.

Finally Grumpy looked around and from his vantage height saw someone coming through the woods so he yelled, "Someone's coming!" And from the next dwarf to the bottom dwarf was heard, "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: killswitch on January 26, 2018, 20:05
There are 4 things that people can't choose:
1. Their parents;
2. Their place of birth;
3. The way they look;
4. The President of Russia.

***

All I'm saying is the Chinese built a wall 2000 years ago... and they still don't have any illegal Mexicans.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: killswitch on January 26, 2018, 20:05
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned... couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it... mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

Then I tried to be a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory - I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

Then I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

So, then I retired... and found out I was perfect for the job!
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Armchair Cyclist on January 27, 2018, 09:46
Stuart Francis?
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: killswitch on February 06, 2018, 15:25
Whenever you make something idiot proof, someone goes and makes a better idiot.

***

I just got an email invite to a private XXX club. Turns out it was a group of guys with big T-shirts.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on March 20, 2018, 07:30
With all this Anglo- Russian tension the Russian in our human pyramid team has decided to leave.

Which means we don't have Oleg to stand on. :-x
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on April 12, 2018, 11:07
The man who invented the double entendre has died

His wife is taking it hard.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on April 15, 2018, 10:45
Got an email this morning saying "Bored housewife, 32, looking for some action".

So I sent her two bags of washing and an iron.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: killswitch on May 15, 2018, 10:42
Irish historians have discovered what they believe to be the headstone of the oldest Irishman to have lived.

He was 193 and his name was Miles from Dublin.


***

Most people are shocked when they find out how incompetent I am as an electrician.


***

- How much for the gold circle of death?
- Sir, they're called Wedding Rings.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on July 25, 2018, 19:17
My wife said to me " Can you explain why I have just found a pair of ladies knickers in your coat pocket?"

I said " Yes, its because your a nosey cow"
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on October 06, 2018, 20:03
The so called experts said I would never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic, well I showed them, so far I've made 3 pots and a vase
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on December 18, 2018, 11:03
Top six form guide.

Livrpool  WWWWW
Man City  WWWDW
Tottenham WLWWW
Chelsea DWWLW
Arsenal LWWDW
Man Utd LMFAO
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on December 28, 2018, 17:07
I just asked a homeless woman if I could take her home.
She smiled and said yes.

The look on her face when I walked off with her cardboard box
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Carlo Algatrensig on December 30, 2018, 13:40
Back when I was studying Geography at school we were once asked to draw all of the tectonic plates on to a map of the world. I thought I'd done it quite well but my teacher told me there were quite a few faults on it.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on January 16, 2019, 08:12
Following on from the quiz show answers:

*Slips of the Tongue*

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on TV and Radio

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator –
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator –
'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator –
'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria .. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 –
'Ah, isn't that nice.. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew..'

5. US PGA Commentator –
'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ........
Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said:
'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,
'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Armchair Cyclist on January 16, 2019, 10:18
You have left out the two most famous cricket faux pas:
the corpsing over "He just couldn't get his his leg over"   (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KsVTpX7LdZQ)
and the alleged but disputed confrontation between Michael Holding and Peter Willey: "The bowler's Holding the batsman's Willey".

A favourite of mine was in the early days of Breakfast TV on BBC, when they had just shown a set of outtakes, and cut back to one of the presenters (Debbie Greenwood, a former Miss GB) who said something like "Lot's of silly mistakes there, you won't be seeing my boobs this morning."

I also remember a radio handover from one presenter to another the morning after an England match in which there was a last ditch intervention by the then Chelsea captain (I don't think I had watched the game) which disintegrated into giggles when she asked, "Did you see John Terry's tackle last night?"
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on February 01, 2019, 13:36
I got mugged by six dwarves last night.

Not happy.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on February 01, 2019, 13:46
I looked out of my window in horror last night at a crashed motorcyclist.

I rushed out and pushed through the crowd and a woman at the front said " thank goodness are you a doctor"

I said " No but thats my bloody pizza"
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on May 07, 2019, 08:01
A couple, both age 78, went to an NHS sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them £50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges £90. The Hilton charges £108. We do it here for £50...and I get £43 back from Bupa
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on May 26, 2019, 09:32
My mate told me to watch out for the step. I still fell.
He was happy though, I left him a great review on Trip Adviser...
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on June 07, 2019, 07:26
All of Jack Dee's children are bright,  but Ellie is the brightest.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on October 15, 2019, 20:28
I can't believe how rude the suppository helpline was
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Anchor on December 16, 2019, 16:07
I had to go to the Doctors the other day.

He asked me what was wrong.

I told him I had five penisis.

He asked me how my trousers fit.

I said like a glove.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Anchor on December 16, 2019, 16:08
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but I had to give it up.

It was one ting after another.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on January 24, 2020, 20:51
Man gets home tells his wife" get me a beer before it starts",he drinks it down then says" quick, get me another one before it starts"
he drinks it and says "another one before it starts".
The wife says" listen you fat lazy slob, you waltz in, sit down on yer arse and start barking orders who the flip do you think you are ...........
Man says " Flip me its started "
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Joelsim on January 24, 2020, 21:15
Man gets home tells his wife" get me a beer before it starts",he drinks it down then says" quick, get me another one before it starts"
he drinks it and says "another one before it starts".
The wife says" listen you fat lazy slob, you waltz in, sit down on yer arse and start barking orders who the flip do you think you are ...........
Man says " Flip me its started "

Thieves broke into West Ham United Football Club last night and stole the entire contents of the trophy room.

Police are said to be on the lookout for a claret and blue carpet.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on January 24, 2020, 21:56
Why ain't we got a middle finger smiley thingy....
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on February 09, 2020, 17:19
We have been getting a right battering in Essex from storm Ciara

My missus was looking through the window and looked really worried.

Eventually  I had to let her back in....
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on February 14, 2020, 12:38
To all you gorgeous girls

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY

To all you fat birds, chin up it's 

PANCAKE DAY next week  :cool
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on February 24, 2020, 15:14
A mate (the bastard) texted me that there are speed cameras on the M50 if any West Ham fans are looking for 3 points tonight :lol
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Armchair Cyclist on March 20, 2020, 23:53
It is speculated that a consequence of so many people being obliged to stay in at home is that there may be a spike in the birth rate.

Does than mean that in late 2033/early 2034 there will be a huge number of quaranteens?
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on March 25, 2020, 20:56
Prince Charles is in lockdown at Balmoral with Covid-19

Prince Andrew is in lockdown in the Seychelles with Phoebe- 14
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on March 25, 2020, 21:03
After years of scepticism I actually checked my horiscope today and can't believe how accurate it is

Libra : You'll be spending  the day at home.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on April 01, 2020, 21:32
With virtually all live sport cancelled, Sky Sports have secured the rights to the 2020 World Origama games but unfortunately its paper veiw
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on April 01, 2020, 21:43
With virtually all live sport cancelled, Sky Sports have secured the rights to the 2020 World Origama games but unfortunately its paper veiw

Unfortunately it has been cancelled as the sponsors have folded




Here all week :(
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Mellow Velo on April 01, 2020, 21:48

Here all week :(

 Not if these jokes are anything to go by. :D
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on April 15, 2020, 20:04
My neighbour came round for a cup of sugar wearing nothing but a see through negligee. I then got a cheeky wink & invited round for coffee.

"Sod of Dave" I said.



Here all week :(
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on May 01, 2020, 08:12
A man takes his wife to get tested

Several days go by and he receives a call from the doctor

The doctor tells him "due to an unfortunate mixup at the lab, we are not sure if your wife has Covid 19 or Alzheimer's  "

The man clearly frustrated asks  "well what am I supposed to do with that information ?"

The doctor calmly suggests " I recommend you take her for a very long walk and leave her. If she comes home, don't let her in".


Here all week :(
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on June 10, 2020, 19:16
Spare a thought for the poor souls who have to retrieve Edward Colston's statue from Bristol harbour.

Let's hear it for quay workers..
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on July 20, 2020, 16:25
Beatrice's wedding must have been a breath of fresh air for Prince Andrew.

For once it wasn't someone else's daughter giving him away..   
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on December 20, 2020, 11:33
I purchased a world map and then gave the wife a dart and said,
" Throw this and wherever it lands , that's where I'm  taking you when this pandemic ends"

Turns out were spending two weeks behind the fridge..
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on January 04, 2021, 11:16
"What do we want?"
A cure for obesity

"When do we want it ?"
After dinner
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Armchair Cyclist on February 06, 2021, 23:54
There is an animal park near me.   

Well, it claims to be, but it only has one species.  And not even a rare or wild species.  The domesticated dog, nothing more exciting then that.

The one thing that could make a collection of dogs interesting is if it displayed the huge variety that humans have bred into them over tens of thousands of years to serve myriad purposes, but no: there is only one breed there.
It is a shih tzu.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Armchair Cyclist on February 24, 2021, 13:45
Three holy men go into a blood donor centre.  They are each asked if they know what blood type they are.

The priest says, "If I remember correctly, I am a type B negative."
The baptist minister says, "I believe I am a type A positive."
The rabbit says, "I think I must be a typo."
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Armchair Cyclist on February 24, 2021, 14:10
Why do termites not get COVID-19?


They have anty bodies.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Joelsim on February 24, 2021, 21:21
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

Donald Trump's never had a garbanzo bean on him.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on February 26, 2021, 22:01
Accidentally added Matt Hancock as a friend on Facebook

Long story short I've been awarded four PPE contracts..
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Leadbelly on December 10, 2021, 20:17
Here's one for you Archie.

https://twitter.com/robertwlk/status/1438139052629405701
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on December 11, 2021, 15:57
It tells you a lot about the state of politics in this country when your more likely to be ousted by a Christmas party than the Labour party.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on December 19, 2021, 21:20
https://youtu.be/Y33VZa5K6WM
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on January 10, 2022, 15:17
I got excited yesterday with the football and forgot to put these two up, bit late now but never mind.

Djokovic is unlucky in the extreme. Out of the Australian Open and only missed 2 shots.

Or:

Confusion in the Djokovic camp :
Rules state ' no-one can compete without double vaccination '.
They read it as 'No.1 can compete without double vaccination'.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on January 14, 2022, 17:51
https://twitter.com/i/status/1482003565732405255
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on February 04, 2022, 20:07
I've just ordered a Rapid Test kit from the NHS.
They sent me a DVD of Australia v England
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: Archieboy on April 30, 2022, 09:25
Boris Becker has been banged up for 2 1/2 years.
He has already moaned to the prison governor about the racket the other inmates are making.
Title: Re: The Joke Thread
Post by: karlpenu132 on May 17, 2022, 08:09
it's funny