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froome19

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The Joke Thread
« on: January 26, 2013, 23:34 »
Here are a sample of the type of jokes in fashion at the moment from where I am from: (nb: Everything in here is very definitely not serious/intended to insult)


Why did the boy drop his ice cream?

Because he was hit by a bus.


How do you confuse a blond?

Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.



Why was six afraid of seven?

It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.



Knock, Knock.

Who's there?

Dave.

Dave who?

Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.


What's brown and sticky? A stick.


Why do black people eat fried chicken?

Because it tastes good.


Sorry for making you read those  :embarrassed
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    Havetts

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #1 on: January 26, 2013, 23:35 »
    It is white and when it falls out of a tree your dishwasher is broken, what is it?

    Spoiler (hover to show)


    Two old ladies are sitting on a park bench, when suddenly a guy jumps out of the bushes and flashes them. The first old lady had a stroke. The second old lady couldn't reach.

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  • froome19

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #2 on: January 26, 2013, 23:38 »
    Oh this one my dad made up (well he says so but I have heard it elsewhere)

    What is: Green, has four legs, 24 balls and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you.

    Spoiler (hover to show)
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  • Havetts

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #3 on: January 26, 2013, 23:45 »
    Ok ok, another two bad ones:

    - A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
    - Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.
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  • Zam

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #4 on: February 04, 2013, 17:55 »
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  • DB-Coop

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #5 on: January 25, 2014, 00:57 »
    Never knew this thread existed here is a cycling related graph joke for you people.

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  • DB-Coop

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #6 on: January 25, 2014, 01:27 »
    Made another graph joke.

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  • DB-Coop

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #7 on: January 25, 2014, 18:49 »
    And a Venn diagram
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  • DB-Coop

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #8 on: January 29, 2014, 13:32 »
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  • DB-Coop

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #9 on: January 30, 2014, 15:15 »
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  • Leadbelly

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #10 on: January 30, 2014, 15:45 »
    Those of us in the UK who follow football might have heard of something called the Liverpool Boom/Bust graph, which is actually looking a bit out of date this season as it  seems their title challenge might be on, so I've updated it to a cycling theme and the Alberto Boom/Bust graph.

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  • Armchair Cyclist

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #11 on: January 30, 2014, 20:06 »
    I'm guessing that DB Coop is inspired by Venn that Tune: highly recommended.
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  • DB-Coop

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #12 on: January 30, 2014, 20:23 »
    I'm guessing that DB Coop is inspired by Venn that Tune: highly recommended.

    I have never seen that before, I googled it and I find it pretty funny though.
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  • Ram

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #13 on: February 07, 2014, 13:02 »
    Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in the hospital ICU with tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all around my head, unbearable pain over my left ear and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.  It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.

    She looked deep & steady into my eyes and I heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

    I managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your breasts, then?”
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  • Ram

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #14 on: February 09, 2014, 12:45 »
    The GFC has hit small companies the most. A person I know, Andrew, was the manager of such a company which had hit hard times. Andrew, having to cut costs spends the weekend on a possible solution. 

    After extreme thought, he came to the solution to lay off two of his staff. He informs two of his staff, Jane and Jack, of the impending situation and calls them for a meeting the following week to put their case forward to remain in the company.

    He arrives early Monday morning to hear each of their cases.

    "Jane, as you can see, the company has been losing money for a while now, and unfortunately the situation so demands that if costs aren't cut, we'll all be out of a job. I've spent a few days thinking about this and can offer two solutions- either lay you or Jack off."

    Jane, slightly taken aback, replies-
    "Well it's that time of the month sir, so it looks as if you'd have to jack off."
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  • DB-Coop

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #15 on: February 11, 2014, 14:17 »
    In relation to the BMC thread:

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  • Ram

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #16 on: February 19, 2014, 12:44 »
    A couple was invited to a swanky masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. There was no need for his good time to be spoiled by her not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

    The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

    So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and, being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

    After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

    She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

    He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you, I loaned your dad the costume and, apparently, he had the time of his life."
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  • DB-Coop

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #17 on: February 20, 2014, 21:11 »
    With all the hype about the Armstrong lie I decided to make a movie poster of my own, it is a little bit crude because my Photoshop skills are not that great really. But here is what I could come up with.

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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #18 on: February 25, 2014, 19:30 »
    Roy Hodgsons contemplating using a psycologist to help England with penalties at the World Cup..

    Penalties ????


    Flip me..... You have to admire his optimism ;)  :D
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #19 on: March 12, 2014, 07:37 »
    I went to the cinema to see 12 years a Slave,

     I was totally shocked at the horror, cruelty and pure exploitation man can inflict on his fellow man,



    £8 for a flipping popcorn & coke !!!!
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  • Ram

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #20 on: March 14, 2014, 06:37 »
    A boy asks his mother for breakfast immediately after waking up. She says, "After you feed the animals."

    The boy went outside but didn't feel like feeding the chickens. So he kicks the chicken. He did the same to the cow and the pig.

    The boy then goes back into the house and tells his mother that he's hungry. The mother replies, "I saw you kick the chicken, so you're not getting any eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so you're not getting any milk. And I saw kick the pig, so you're not getting any bacon."

    Just then the boy's father walks down the steps, trips and kicks the cat. The boy, beaming widely, says, "Mum, will you tell him or should I?"
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  • Armchair Cyclist

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #21 on: March 14, 2014, 07:36 »
    It was a beautiful spring morning, and a couple from the city decide to enjoy a day in the countryside, so set off for a drive in the car.  As they drive down an idyllic country lane, they are surprised to see a small girl struggling to pull a huge, very stubborn bull along the road.  The animal was calm, and not posing any danger, but even with the traditional ring through its nose, it had no intention of responding to the girl's attempts to move it.

    The couple pulled their car over, appalled at such a blatant case of inappropriate child labour.  As the window whirred down, the wife asked, "What are you doing, trying to move such a large animal?"
    "It's the breeding season missus," the girl replied, "so I'm bringing the bull down to the cows to get them in calf."
    "Can your father not do that?" the townies continued, in their most patronising tone.
    "No," sighed the little girl, "it has to be the bull."
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #22 on: April 23, 2014, 07:47 »
    Whats the difference between David Moyes and Primark ??

    Anything put together by Primark usually lasts a season..
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #23 on: April 23, 2014, 07:52 »
    Jurgen Klopp has ruled himself out of the Man Utd job. However he did mention his brother "Klipperty" is available
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #24 on: June 25, 2014, 16:56 »
    Luis Suarez has told a press conference he has requested a transfer to Bayern Munich. He can't wait to get his teeth into a shoulder of Lahm
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  • johnmarquez

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #25 on: July 03, 2014, 21:22 »
    A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
    The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!
    All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
    "My darling," he replied, "Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
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  • LaVelocipede

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #26 on: July 03, 2014, 23:47 »
    (slightly childish)
    If I have ten apples and you have eleven ice cubes, how many waffles fit on the roof?

    Purple, because aliens don't wear hats.

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  • « Last Edit: July 04, 2014, 00:01 by LaVelocipede »
    "Cycling is like boxing: It's not a game. It's a hard, pitiless sport that demands very great sacrifices.One plays football, tennis, hockey, but one does not play at cycling."
    - Jean de Gribaldy

    froome19

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #27 on: July 28, 2014, 18:26 »
    Why did Sally fall off the swing?

    Because her mom threw a fridge at her.

    *sorry
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #28 on: August 09, 2014, 06:30 »
    Oscar Pistorious has sacked his legal team and hired Celtics, he heard you can loose both legs and win.
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  • LaVelocipede

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #29 on: August 11, 2014, 20:51 »
    Why did Sally fall off the swing?

    Because her mom threw a fridge at her.

    *sorry
    But why did Helen fall off the swing?
    Because she had no arms.

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