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Archieboy

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  • Country: england
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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #120 on: August 08, 2017, 06:38 »
So the new Doctor Who is to be a woman. I'll bet she keeps bringing up the past.
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  • Archieboy

    • Road Captain
    • Country: england
    • Posts: 1239
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    • Awards: 2014, 2015, 2017 Official Prediction Game Champ2017 Vuelta Prediction Champ2017 Worlds Prediction Champ
    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #121 on: September 02, 2017, 09:47 »
    Went to the sperm clinic yesterday.

    The lady asked me if I would masturbate in the cup ?

    I said "I'm good but not sure I'm ready for competitions yet"
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  • killswitch

    • Road Captain
    • Country: 00
    • Posts: 1954
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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #122 on: September 02, 2017, 14:27 »
    I started a band called "999 megabytes", we don't have any gigs yet...

    ***

    My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick. Mostly because his name is Steve.

    ***

    An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart. In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"

    ***

    I wouldn't call myself a steady drinker.
    My hands shake too much.

    ***

    Someone once asked me if I was drunk. I said yes... That was the shortest job interview I've ever had.
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  • Joelsim: The huge winner today - Landa.
    just some guy: Aye he marginal gained the flip out of it

    killswitch

    • Road Captain
    • Country: 00
    • Posts: 1954
    • Liked: 1056
    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #123 on: September 02, 2017, 14:28 »
    In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?"

    "Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"

    "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "Im a lawyer. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"
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  • Archieboy

    • Road Captain
    • Country: england
    • Posts: 1239
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    • Awards: 2014, 2015, 2017 Official Prediction Game Champ2017 Vuelta Prediction Champ2017 Worlds Prediction Champ
    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #124 on: October 09, 2017, 07:23 »
    A bit of a long one ....

    Spare a thought for poor ole Mitchell O’Leary, Chief Executive of Bryanair.
    After arriving in a hotel in Manchester, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.
    The barman nodded and said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."
    Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
    "Well, we do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday from 6 pm until 8 pm. We have the cheapest beer in England".
    "That is remarkable value", Mitchell comments.
    "I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be £3 please."
    O'Leary scowled, but paid up.
    He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you £1."
    "I think you may be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please".
    Mitchell attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in, he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".
    "I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of £4 for your seat sir".
    O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another £3."
    O'Leary was so incensed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".
    "I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be £2 please."
    O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I am?"
    "Of course I do Mr. O'Leary."
    "I've had enough! What sort of a Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"
    "Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only £1 per second, or part thereof".
    "I will never use this bar again".
    "OK sir, but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1."
    Have a good weekend
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  • Archieboy

    • Road Captain
    • Country: england
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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #125 on: November 09, 2017, 09:12 »
    Why is Kevin Spacey so bad at Hide and Seek ?

    Because he comes out at the wrong time.
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  • Armchair Cyclist

    • Road Captain
    • *
    • Country: 00
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    • Awards: Giro Prediction Champ 2017
    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #126 on: November 25, 2017, 17:11 »
    The guru was a true ascetic: he ate a barely enough to stay alive, which not only left him weak, but also afflicted with bad breath; and he always went barefoot, resulting in uncomfortable lumps of hardened skin on the soles of his feet.

    He was indeed a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
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  • Sam Johnstone

    • Coach Potato
    • Country: gb
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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #127 on: November 28, 2017, 10:00 »
    Why is Kevin Spacey so bad at Hide and Seek ?

    Because he find out at the wrong time.

    that's a good one!
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  • « Last Edit: November 29, 2017, 06:10 by Sam Johnstone »

    Archieboy

    • Road Captain
    • Country: england
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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #128 on: December 03, 2017, 13:16 »
    I went down the offy on the bicycle last night, bought a bottle of scotch and put it in the basket on the bicycle.

    Then I thought if I crash on the way home the bottle might break, so I drank all the scotch.

    Turned out to be a good decision because I crashed seven time on the way home.
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  • « Last Edit: December 04, 2017, 05:11 by Archieboy »

    Archieboy

    • Road Captain
    • Country: england
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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #129 on: December 10, 2017, 14:00 »
    Visiting my daughter I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. She said she lives in the 21st century and dosent buy newspapers, she said I could use her i-pad though.



    That fly never knew what hit it.
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