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Archieboy

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #120 on: August 08, 2017, 06:38 »
So the new Doctor Who is to be a woman. I'll bet she keeps bringing up the past.
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #121 on: September 02, 2017, 09:47 »
    Went to the sperm clinic yesterday.

    The lady asked me if I would masturbate in the cup ?

    I said "I'm good but not sure I'm ready for competitions yet"
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  • killswitch

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #122 on: September 02, 2017, 14:27 »
    I started a band called "999 megabytes", we don't have any gigs yet...

    ***

    My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick. Mostly because his name is Steve.

    ***

    An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart. In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"

    ***

    I wouldn't call myself a steady drinker.
    My hands shake too much.

    ***

    Someone once asked me if I was drunk. I said yes... That was the shortest job interview I've ever had.
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  • Joelsim: The huge winner today - Landa.
    just some guy: Aye he marginal gained the flip out of it

    killswitch

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #123 on: September 02, 2017, 14:28 »
    In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?"

    "Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"

    "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "Im a lawyer. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #124 on: October 09, 2017, 07:23 »
    A bit of a long one ....

    Spare a thought for poor ole Mitchell O’Leary, Chief Executive of Bryanair.
    After arriving in a hotel in Manchester, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.
    The barman nodded and said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."
    Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
    "Well, we do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday from 6 pm until 8 pm. We have the cheapest beer in England".
    "That is remarkable value", Mitchell comments.
    "I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be £3 please."
    O'Leary scowled, but paid up.
    He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you £1."
    "I think you may be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please".
    Mitchell attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in, he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".
    "I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of £4 for your seat sir".
    O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another £3."
    O'Leary was so incensed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".
    "I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be £2 please."
    O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I am?"
    "Of course I do Mr. O'Leary."
    "I've had enough! What sort of a Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"
    "Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only £1 per second, or part thereof".
    "I will never use this bar again".
    "OK sir, but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1."
    Have a good weekend
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #125 on: November 09, 2017, 09:12 »
    Why is Kevin Spacey so bad at Hide and Seek ?

    Because he comes out at the wrong time.
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  • Armchair Cyclist

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #126 on: November 25, 2017, 17:11 »
    The guru was a true ascetic: he ate a barely enough to stay alive, which not only left him weak, but also afflicted with bad breath; and he always went barefoot, resulting in uncomfortable lumps of hardened skin on the soles of his feet.

    He was indeed a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
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  • Sam Johnstone

    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #127 on: November 28, 2017, 10:00 »
    Why is Kevin Spacey so bad at Hide and Seek ?

    Because he find out at the wrong time.

    that's a good one!
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  • « Last Edit: November 29, 2017, 06:10 by Sam Johnstone »

    Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #128 on: December 03, 2017, 13:16 »
    I went down the offy on the bicycle last night, bought a bottle of scotch and put it in the basket on the bicycle.

    Then I thought if I crash on the way home the bottle might break, so I drank all the scotch.

    Turned out to be a good decision because I crashed seven time on the way home.
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  • « Last Edit: December 04, 2017, 05:11 by Archieboy »

    Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #129 on: December 10, 2017, 14:00 »
    Visiting my daughter I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. She said she lives in the 21st century and dosent buy newspapers, she said I could use her i-pad though.



    That fly never knew what hit it.
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #130 on: January 01, 2018, 18:10 »
    My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.

    "Did you smell that food" She said "it was absolutely incredible,  and it's our anniversary  tomorrow "

    F&uk it I thought, I'll treat her.

    So I walked her past it again.
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  • Joelsim

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #131 on: January 01, 2018, 19:01 »
    My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.

    "Did you smell that food" She said "it was absolutely incredible,  and it's our anniversary  tomorrow "

    F&uk it I thought, I'll treat her.

    So I walked her past it again.

    I’ll bet this actually happened.
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #132 on: January 08, 2018, 07:23 »
    The seven dwarves are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city.
    After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the Pope.
    Grumpy, for once, seems to have a lot to say.
    He keeps asking the Pontiff questions about the church and, in particular, the nuns.
    "Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?" Grumpy asks.
    "No, my son, all of our nuns are at least five feet tall," smiles the Pope.
    "Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?"
    "I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?"
    "No reason," replies Grumpy.
    "But you're positive? Nobody in a habit that's about three feet tall, maybe two-and-a-half feet tall?"
    "I'm sure, my vertically-challenged son," says the Pope, trying not show his curiosity.
    "Okay," moans Grumpy.
    So the Pope listens to the dwarves as they leave the building.
    "What'd he say? What'd he say?" chant the other six dwarves.
    Grumpy mutters, "He said they don't have any."
    And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy f&ck£d a penguin! Grumpy f&ck£d a penguin!"
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #133 on: January 08, 2018, 07:27 »
    One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy and announced to the seven dwarfs that she was going to bed. After the usual lengthy round of "Good Nights" she went upstairs. Immediately all seven dwarfs rushed outside and began standing on each other's shoulders beneath Snow White's bedroom window. Tonight was Grumpy's turn to be on the top and as he was the only one who could see in the window. It was his duty to inform the other dwarfs what she was doing.

    After a minute or two he hollered down, "She's taking off her blouse!" and this as echoed down the stack "taking off her blouse," "she's taking off her blouse," "blouse is coming off," "taking off her blouse," etc.

    Next Grumpy yelled, "She's taking off her skirt," which was followed by the echoes "taking off her skirt," "she's taking off her skirt," "skirt's coming off," "taking off her skirt," etc.

    Of course the next line from Grumpy was, "She's taking off her bra!" and the echo chorus went down the line.

    Then, "She's taking off her panties!" which again cascaded down the dwarf tower.

    Finally Grumpy looked around and from his vantage height saw someone coming through the woods so he yelled, "Someone's coming!" And from the next dwarf to the bottom dwarf was heard, "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too
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  • killswitch

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #134 on: January 26, 2018, 20:05 »
    There are 4 things that people can't choose:
    1. Their parents;
    2. Their place of birth;
    3. The way they look;
    4. The President of Russia.

    ***

    All I'm saying is the Chinese built a wall 2000 years ago... and they still don't have any illegal Mexicans.
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  • killswitch

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #135 on: January 26, 2018, 20:05 »
    My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned... couldn't concentrate.

    Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

    After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it... mainly because it was a so-so job.

    Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.

    I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

    Then I tried to be a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme.

    I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

    My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

    I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

    Next was a job in a shoe factory - I tried but I just didn't fit in.

    I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

    I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

    Then I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.

    So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

    After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

    My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

    So, then I retired... and found out I was perfect for the job!
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  • Armchair Cyclist

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #136 on: January 27, 2018, 09:46 »
    Stuart Francis?
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  • killswitch

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #137 on: February 06, 2018, 15:25 »
    Whenever you make something idiot proof, someone goes and makes a better idiot.

    ***

    I just got an email invite to a private XXX club. Turns out it was a group of guys with big T-shirts.
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #138 on: March 20, 2018, 07:30 »
    With all this Anglo- Russian tension the Russian in our human pyramid team has decided to leave.

    Which means we don't have Oleg to stand on. :-x
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #139 on: April 12, 2018, 11:07 »
    The man who invented the double entendre has died

    His wife is taking it hard.
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #140 on: April 15, 2018, 10:45 »
    Got an email this morning saying "Bored housewife, 32, looking for some action".

    So I sent her two bags of washing and an iron.
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  • killswitch

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #141 on: May 15, 2018, 10:42 »
    Irish historians have discovered what they believe to be the headstone of the oldest Irishman to have lived.

    He was 193 and his name was Miles from Dublin.


    ***

    Most people are shocked when they find out how incompetent I am as an electrician.


    ***

    - How much for the gold circle of death?
    - Sir, they're called Wedding Rings.
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #142 on: July 25, 2018, 19:17 »
    My wife said to me " Can you explain why I have just found a pair of ladies knickers in your coat pocket?"

    I said " Yes, its because your a nosey cow"
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #143 on: October 06, 2018, 20:03 »
    The so called experts said I would never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic, well I showed them, so far I've made 3 pots and a vase
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