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Slapshot

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #60 on: January 03, 2016, 16:03 »
Maths Joke..

When three Native American women were giving birth they were in the maternity teepee and two were lying on buffallo hides but the other one was lying on the hide of a hippopotamus. When they had delivered the papooses they were weighed and both of the women who used buffallo hides delivered babies which were 8lbs exactly. The other child weighed in at 16lbs thus proving the theory of Pythagoras that the son of the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

..................................................

Baby Polar bear says to his mum "Mum! am I really a polar bear?"

Of course you are baby bear, you've got a big fury white coat and big white paws

a minute goes past and baby bear says again "Mum! am I really a polar bear?"

Of course you are baby bear, you love eating seals and fish dont you

another minute goes past and baby bear again says "Mum! am I really a polar bear?"

Mum says of course you are baby bear, you live in the Arctic, got a fury white coat,big white paws,love eating fish and seals, why do you keep asking?

Baby polar bear says " Because I'm ****ing freezing"

........................................

My mate was a complete trainspotter unfortunately one day he fell off the platform in front of a Steam Locomotive..... he was chuffed to bits......
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  • « Last Edit: January 04, 2016, 20:18 by Slapshot »

    Slapshot

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #61 on: January 03, 2016, 16:06 »
    Scam Warning Please BEWARE!

    Over the last month I became a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Sainsbury's for a bit of shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic.

    Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

    Here's how the scam works:

    Two seriously good-looking voluptuous eastern European 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot.

    They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.

    When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another supermarket store.  You agree and they both get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing, and both get completely naked.

    Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately, and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!

    I've had my wallet stolen August 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, and 29th. Also September 1st, 4th,6th,10th twice yesterday and very likely again this coming weekend.

    P.S. Aldi have wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl are £1.75 and look better

     :D :D
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  • Joelsim

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #62 on: January 03, 2016, 16:14 »
    I don't mind gay people as long as they don't ram it down my throat.


     ;)











    *You probably have to be a colloquial English speaker to get that.

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  • Ram

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #63 on: January 04, 2016, 11:23 »
    Im enjoying the Rugby World Cup but my wife is taking it to seriously. Last night she gave 2 penalties against me, One for handling errors and then another for not rolling away
    I'm guessing you've had better rucks.
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  • Armchair Cyclist

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #64 on: January 04, 2016, 13:29 »

    Mum says of course you are baby bear, you live in the Antartic, got a fury white coat,big white paws,love eating fish and seals, why do you keep asking?


    errm, wrong hemisphere...
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  • « Last Edit: January 04, 2016, 13:41 by Armchair Cyclist »

    Slapshot

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #65 on: January 04, 2016, 20:18 »
    errm, wrong hemisphere...
    I know..... just wanted to see who was paying attention...  ;) ;) Cut and paste from the wrong place!
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #66 on: January 08, 2016, 11:10 »
    i made just one resolution this year, that is to have more sex.
















    I just havent told my cellmate yet............
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  • DB-Coop

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #67 on: January 08, 2016, 12:07 »
    i made just one resolution this year, that is to have more sex.
















    I just havent told my cellmate yet............

    He should probably have realized already, when you gave him soap bars for Christmas :lol
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  • LaVelocipede

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #68 on: January 08, 2016, 22:54 »
    A store that sells new husbands has opened in Utrecht, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

    You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

    So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
    Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

    She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
    Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
    'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

    So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
    Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
    'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

    She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
    Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
    'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

    Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
    Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

    She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
    Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

    PLEASE NOTE:
    To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
    The first floor has wives that love sex.
    The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer
    The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited
    I've seen that one, it's rather good.
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  • "Cycling is like boxing: It's not a game. It's a hard, pitiless sport that demands very great sacrifices.One plays football, tennis, hockey, but one does not play at cycling."
    - Jean de Gribaldy

    Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #69 on: January 10, 2016, 11:48 »



    A very rich lawyer is approached by a charity worker who is concerned that the lawyer didn't donate any money to charity, despite making over a million pound that year.

    "First of all," says the lawyer, "my mother is bedridden and gets no help from social services. Second, I have five kids through three divorce marriages. Third, my sister's husband recently died and she has no one to support her four children."

    "I'm terribly sorry," says the charity worker, "I feel bad about asking for your money.

    " So you should," replies the lawyer. "If I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #70 on: January 10, 2016, 11:58 »
    Paddy says to Mick... "Them steroids are nasty things Michael - in fact I heard only last week that they can have some odd side effects - from severe headaches to actually growing an extra willy! Would you believe that - an extra willy!"

    "Anabolic?" asks Mick

    "No" said Paddy "Just a willy....."
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #71 on: January 18, 2016, 14:06 »
    The world of tennis has been rocked by allegations of corruption and match fixing.

    Tim Henman has come forward to say that he had no involvement and that he is just s***.
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #72 on: January 29, 2016, 19:47 »
    Paddy say's to Murphy "i robbed a shop last night full of expensive pictures, the cheapest one was £180,000"
    Murphy say's "Paddy you thick **** you robbed an estate agents!"
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  • Joelsim

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #73 on: January 29, 2016, 19:51 »
    Subject: How a Woman takes a shower vs. How a Man does


    How To Shower Like A Woman:

    1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

    2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.

    3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.

    4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

    5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

    6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

    7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.

    8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.

    9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.

    10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).

    11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.

    12. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.

    13. Turn off shower.

    14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

    15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.

    16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.

    17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

    18. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed skin and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.


    How To Shower Like A Man

    1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

    2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the "woo" sound.

    3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your dick in the mirror, scratch your balls and smell your fingers for one last whiff.

    4. Get in the shower.

    5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one)

    6. Wash your face

    7. Wash your armpits

    8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.

    9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.

    10. Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.

    11. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)

    12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

    13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.

    14. Pee (in the shower)

    15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hang out of the tub the whole time.

    16. Partial dry off.

    17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire dick size.

    18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.

    19. Leave bathroom and fan light on.

    20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your dick, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.

    21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #74 on: January 29, 2016, 19:57 »
    Three dead bodies turn up at the Dublin mortuary all with very big smiles on their faces.

    The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

    “First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector,” says the Coroner.

    “Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery. Spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”

    The Inspector asked, “What about the third body?”
    “Ah,” says the coroner, “this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.”
    “Why is he smiling then?” enquires the Inspector.
    “He thought he was having his picture taken.”
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  • Joelsim

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #75 on: January 29, 2016, 20:00 »
    An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese guy are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling." And to the Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of supplies."

    So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" He replies "I no hava no broom, you saida to the Chinese guy that he wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."

    The foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." He replied, "Aye, ye did lad, bit ah couldnae git masel' a shuvl! Ye left thon wee Chinese mannie in chairge of supplies, bit ah couldnae fin' him onywhar."

    The foreman is really peeed off now and storms off towards the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. As he approaches the mound, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the sand and yells…

    "SUPPLIES!"
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  • Slapshot

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #76 on: January 29, 2016, 20:57 »
    Monica is back in the news for the US Elections!
    Monica Lewinsky released the following statement on Hilary Clinton's
    run for President:

    ”I will not vote for Hilary Clinton. The last Clinton presidency left a
    bad taste in my mouth. As we get closer to the 2016 election year,
    citizens must remember that they cannot even trust Hillary Clinton to
    create American jobs. The last time she had a meaningful job, she
    outsourced it to me and I simply blew it".

    Love
    Monica

    --------------------------------------------------------------

    Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter and once in awhile he went on one of the other Sundays.

    On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed vhat a fine looking woman she was. while they were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said, "Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner next Friday?"

    "Yes, Ole, that would be nice," said Lena.

    Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest restaurant in town.

    When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said, "Hey, Lena, would you like a cocktail before dinner?"

    "Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?"

    Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner.

    Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes.

    "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "would you like a smoke?"

    "Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?"

    Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his Ford and was driving Lena home when they passed the Hot Springs Motel.

    He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how would you like to stop at that motel with me?"

    "Yes, Ole, that vould be nice," said Lena.

    Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the road, and drove back to the motel and checked in with Lena.

    The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed, her blond curls on the pillow.

    "What have I done? What have I done?" thought Ole. He shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena, I've got to ask you something," said Ole. "What are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

    "Lena said, "The same thing I always tell them. You don't have to smoke or drink to have a good time!"

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.
    A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
    Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
    The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
    The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD.. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.'
    The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'
    The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'
    The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'
    The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice.'
    The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims,
    'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.'
    The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"
    The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!' ……
    "Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.
    'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!'
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  • Slapshot

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #77 on: January 29, 2016, 21:01 »
    Thai Lottery

    Two Thai girls asked me if I’d like to go bed with them; they said it would be just like winning Lotto! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off, and to my horror, we had six matching balls!


    --------------------------------------------------------------

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  • Slapshot

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #78 on: January 31, 2016, 09:47 »
    The pretty secretary came in late for work the third day in a row.

    The boss called her into his office and said.

    "Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here."

    The boss pressed on, "Who told you you could come and go as you please around here ?"

    Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said, "My lawyer."
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #79 on: February 09, 2016, 07:38 »
    I was drinking at a bar last night when a waitress screamed, "Does anyone know CPR?"
    I shouted, "Hell, I know the whole alphabet."

    Everyone laughed... Well everyone except this one guy.
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  • Slapshot

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #80 on: March 02, 2016, 20:30 »
    standard apologies apply  :lol :lol

    Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy’s Pub in London. After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says, ‘I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland’

    The other bloke responds proudly, ‘Yes, that I am!’

    The first one says, ‘So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?’

    The other bloke answers, ‘I’m from Dublin, I am.’

    The first one responds, ‘So am I!’

    ‘Mother Mary and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?’

    The other bloke says, ‘A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.’

    The first one says, ‘Faith and it’s a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?’

    The other bloke answers, ‘Well now, I went to St. Mary’s, of course.’

    The first one gets really excited and says, ‘And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?’
    The other bloke answers, ‘Well, now, let’s see. I graduated in 1964.’

    The first one exclaims, ‘The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same place tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self!’
    About this time, Vicky walks up to the bar, sits down and orders a drink.
    Brian, the barman, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, ‘It’s going to be a long night tonight.’

    Vicky asks, ‘Why do you say that, Brian?’
    ‘The Murphy twins are drunk again.’
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  • Armchair Cyclist

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #81 on: March 03, 2016, 22:34 »
    The whale and the herring seemed, to all the other fish, to be inseparable: one was never seen without the other.  Rumours flourished as to why they were so attached, but they remained unaware of this.

    And one day, quite unexpectedly, the herring was swimming around on his own.  Most of the other sea creatures were too shocked, or too embarrassed, to say anything, but the wise and sensitive old octopus jetted over to express his concern.  "It's unusual to see you on your own," he cautiously opened, "is everything alright with your whale friend?"

    "How would I know?" replied the herring, "I am not my blubber's kipper."
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  • l29205

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #82 on: March 04, 2016, 02:33 »
    Political Joke:

    Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a boat in the middle of the ocean.  The boat capsizes.  Who wins?


    America  :D
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  • Armchair Cyclist

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #83 on: March 04, 2016, 15:19 »
    You probably need to remember British TV in the eighties for this to mean anything to you.



    A diner in a restaurant that specialises in sea-food requests squid.  As is customary, he is shown to the tank where squid, lobster and other species are swimming around until they are selected.  Several healthy muscular squid are jetting around, so the customer spent some time deciding, when he notices, cowering down in one corner, an aged creature around whom a green film of algae had begum to form.

    The waiter was astonished when the customer pointed out this as his chosen meal.  He tried to persuade him, suggesting that the taste and texture of the younger fitter squid would be far better.  If the waiter had been totally honest, he might have admitted that his motivation was not entirely based on the diner's experience, because many of the staff had grown fond of this timid character: he had been resident in the restaurant for longer than many of the staff had been working there, and they jokingly greeted it as they passed if there were no customers within earshot.

    The diner was adamant, and would not be dissuaded, even when it was pointed out that his intended dinner had reached such an age that what looked like a moustache was beginning to form on its face.  Reluctantly, the waiter scooped it up and carried the pathetic beast off to the kitchen where it was greeted with gasps of horror and despair.  A French chef, Gervase, was usually responsible for the squid dishes, and although he tried to steel himself to the task, he could not bring himself to dispatch the beloved cephalopod, and walked away from the chopping board, sobbing quietly.   

    Watching on from the far side of the kitchen was Hans, a brute of a man who had been taken on to do the washing up by a manager with a social conscience and a willingness to employ ex-cons on rehabilitation projects.  Drying his hands, and shaking his head in disgust, he strode across the floor and took up the cleaver.  He raised it to shoulder height, and then paused.  A shudder travelled from his chin to the tips of his fingers, and the cleaver was dropped to the floor as the big man turned away, burying his tear-streaked face behind a tea towel.

    Which just goes to show that Hans that does dishes can be soft as Gervase, with mild green hairy-lipped squid.
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #84 on: March 07, 2016, 07:27 »
    An elderly Scottish Jew has decided to take it a little easier and take up golf and he puts his name down at the local club.
    After a week he receives a message that his application has been turned down, so he goes down to the club to enquire why.

    Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?
    Scot... Aye but I am as Scottish as you are Jock.

    Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear kilts.
    Scot..... Aye, so do I.

    Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under our kilts?
    Scot...... Aye, neither do I.

    Secretary: But you are a Jew?
    Scot..... Aye, I be that.

    Secretary: So you are circumcised?
    Scot:..... Aye, I be that too.

    Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable with that.

    Scot..... Ach, away with ya man. I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen, and I know that you have to be a Catholic to become a Knight of Saint Columbus. But this is the first time I heard that, you have to be a complete pr*ck to join a golf club.
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #85 on: March 07, 2016, 07:42 »
    The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their
     Tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

     Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look
     Towards sky, what you see? '

     'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'





     'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

     The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
     Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'





     'You dumber than buffalo ****. It means someone stole the tent.'
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #86 on: March 27, 2016, 20:45 »
    Well, what a let down that was!!

    There was I believing that I'd just broken my record for continuous sex_ 1 hour 1 minute and 47 seconds........... And then she tells me ******* clocks had gone forward !!!!
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  • Ram

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #87 on: April 04, 2016, 15:44 »
    The boyfriend's paradox?

    A teenage girl was being intimate with her boyfriend at her parents' house. Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them.

    "Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "...I'm sorry"

    The dad being a dad replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!"

    He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you f*cking sorry?"
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #88 on: April 07, 2016, 20:11 »
    Murphy says to Paddy "why do scuba divers always fall out of the boat backwards"

    Paddy replies, "'cos if they went forward they still be in the feckin boat"
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #89 on: May 09, 2016, 07:19 »
    A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".

    "You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."

    The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault
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