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Archieboy

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #90 on: May 09, 2016, 07:23 »

A lonely old widower meets a lonely old widow and they're discussing the possibility of living together.
He asks. How often do you have a bath?
 She replies, Once a week
Him. How often do you do a cooked breakfast?
Her. Every other day
Him. What about sex, how often
Her. Infrequently
Him. Is that one word or two?
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #91 on: June 28, 2016, 13:28 »
    My wife bought me A " Bonnie Tyler goalkeeping blunders " DVD

    It's just totally clips of Joe Hart
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  • Slow Rider

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    Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #93 on: August 14, 2016, 15:17 »
    Just  watching the Olympics, the womens beach volleyball and suddenly there was a wrist injury.


    But I should be back at work on monday
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #94 on: October 24, 2016, 07:27 »
    A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
    The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to swear."The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
    The 6 year old continues,"When we go in for breakfast,
    I'm gonna say something with Sh*t and you say something with twit."
    The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
    When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast,
    he replies, "Aw, ****, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.
    WHACK!
    He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out,
    with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
    His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
    She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice,
    "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
    "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your hairy twit it won't be Cheerios!"
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #95 on: November 03, 2016, 09:27 »
    People are usually shocked when they find out i'm not a very good electrician.
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #96 on: November 05, 2016, 09:17 »
    Little Red riding Hood found in a critical condition.

    Paramedics have stabilised her condition but she's not out of the woods yet.
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #97 on: November 10, 2016, 10:37 »
    Wednesday 9th.November 2016 will be remembered as a pivotal point in history.
















    The day they changed the shape of Toblerone. 
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  • Havetts

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #98 on: November 10, 2016, 15:25 »
    Michael J Fox on Trump winning the election:

    "I'm literally shaking right now"
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  • Hichatentir

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #99 on: November 14, 2016, 10:19 »
    LOL, thanks for your jokes :D I've really laughed so much that it felt as good as taking an effexor (I am on effexor for anti depression and it makes me feel good).
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  • « Last Edit: February 24, 2017, 14:41 by Hichatentir, Reason: grammar »

    Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #100 on: November 14, 2016, 19:49 »
    Thanks and welcome to VR

    Excellent first post.
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #101 on: November 22, 2016, 07:41 »


    I took my dog to the park today to play frisbee with him.

    He was useless!, I need a flatter dog.
    *****************************************************************
    I have just watched a documentary on marijuana.

    I think all documentaries should be watched this way.
    ******************************************************************
    Been sat here waiting for my mates prostate exam for 3 hours now.

    Somebody wants to pull their bloody finger out!
    ******************************************************************
    Following a sexist joke I made the other day, the Feminist Society now has my address.

    Fortunately none of them can read a map!
    *******************************************************************
    My girlfriend hates it when I sneak up on her.

    Also the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #102 on: November 22, 2016, 07:45 »
    3 men are in line to get into heaven

    St. Peter is waiting at the gates of heaven and calls the first man up.

    Peter says, "You never cheated on your wife! I'm going to let you drive around heaven in a Ferrari!"
    So he gets in the car and drives off through the gates.

    Peter then called 2nd man up. Peter says, "Oh no, looks like you cheated on your wife TWICE! You are going to drive around heaven in an Honda Civic!"
    He gets into his car and drives through the gates.

    Peter calls the third man up and says, "You cheated on your wife FIVE TIMES. You are going to be driving around in a Reliant Robin!"

    But, when the third man drives through the gates, he sees the person in the Ferrari on the side of the rode and he's crying.

    The man asks, "Why are you crying?? You was given the nicest car out of all of us!!"
    He replies, "I just saw my wife ride by on a skateboard."
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #103 on: December 05, 2016, 07:23 »


    Confucious say:
    Man & woman that go camping have naughty intent
    or
    Man that walks through airport door sideways always going to Bangkok

    Post Merge: December 05, 2016, 07:25




    Man with hole in both pockets feel cocky all day
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #104 on: December 05, 2016, 07:29 »
    Good news at last for insomniacs

    Only 4 sleeps till Christmas....
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #105 on: December 19, 2016, 07:49 »
    This year im releasing a Christmas record " Duvet Know its Christmas"

    Its a cover...
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #106 on: January 10, 2017, 20:17 »
    FIFA considering expanding the World Cup format to 48 teams

    Late challenge from Gordon Strachan though who wants to expand it to 96 teams
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #107 on: January 25, 2017, 07:15 »
    My mates feeling pretty low at the moment. He got home this evening and found that his Mrs has moved out - and She ain't coming back.

    Apparently, She took just two things with her - the satellite dish and his entire Bob Marley record collection.




    No Woman, No sky
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #108 on: February 13, 2017, 07:30 »
    West Ham fan, an Arsenal fan and a Tottenham fan were all in Saudi Arabia,sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.
    By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi National Holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It is my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
    The Arsenal fan was first in line (he had consumed the least), so he thought about it for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."
    This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through it. The Arsenal fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying when the punishment was done.
    The Tottenham. fan was next up (he almost finished a half-keg), and after watching the scene, said: "Choice! Please fix two pillows on my back."
    But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.
    The Hammers fan was the last one up (he had finished off the keg), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of London, your area has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
    "Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", the Hammers fan replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
    "Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asked.
    "Tie that Tottenham scumbag to my back!
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #109 on: February 13, 2017, 07:36 »

    Jose Mourinho has promised fans of Manchester United that they will be in a major European competition next year.... Even if he has to write the song himself.
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  • LukasCPH

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #110 on: February 26, 2017, 08:17 »
    Two rainworms meet:
    "Hey, where's your husband?"
    "Fishing."
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  • 2017 0711|CYCLING PR Manager; 2016 Stölting Content Editor
    Views presented are my own.
    RIP Keith

    Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #111 on: March 04, 2017, 09:18 »
    Just noticed the wife's wearing her best sexy underwear...
    This can only mean one thing...


    She's behind with the washing...
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #112 on: March 04, 2017, 09:23 »
    2020 Olympic pole vault results

    Gold - Mexico
    Silver - Mexico
    Bronze - Mexico
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  • Joelsim

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #113 on: March 04, 2017, 10:56 »
    2020 Olympic pole vault results

    Gold - Mexico
    Silver - Mexico
    Bronze - Mexico


    The Mexicans are really peeed off about Trump's wall. But they'll get over it.
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #114 on: March 04, 2017, 12:27 »

    The Mexicans are really peeed off about Trump's wall. But they'll get over it.

    They should do ok at trampoling as well
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  • killswitch

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #115 on: March 09, 2017, 00:48 »
    What's the difference between USA and USB?
    One connects to all your devices and accesses your data, and the other is a hardware standard.

    ...

    Today, I gave a homeless man a watch, a phone, and $300.
    You won't believe how happy I felt
    after he put his knife back in his pocket.
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  • Joelsim: The huge winner today - Landa.
    just some guy: Aye he marginal gained the flip out of it

    killswitch

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #116 on: March 17, 2017, 22:08 »
    The "Secret service" doesn't yell "get down!" when the president is in danger. Instead now they yell "Donald, duck!"
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #117 on: April 03, 2017, 07:11 »

    Nicola Sturgeon is touring rural Perthshire in the First Minister's chauffeur driven car when a cow walks out of a field and into the path of the limo. Despite the Chauffeurs best efforts to avoid the animal, he hits it full on and the car comes to a stop.

    Nicola looks horrified and says to the chauffeur, 'You, get out now and check it out. You were driving and you - not I - are to blame'.

    The chauffeur gets out to check and reports that the animal is dead. Nicola then says, 'Well, as I said, You were driving and therefore you - and not I - are to blame. Now go and tell the farmer. I can't afford to be blamed for anything. Now get going and hurry back'.

    So, the chauffeur sets off in search of the farmhouse.

    Around four hours later he returns absolutely sh*tfaced, hair a mess, shirt hanging out and the biggest grin on his face you've ever seen.

    'My God, what happened to you? Where in Gods name have you been? demands Nicola.

    The chauffeur replies, 'Well, I found the farmhouse and after being invited in the farmer opened a couple of bottles of his finest malt, the wife gave me a slap up meal, and then they let me shag both their daughters.'

    'What on earth did you say to them about the accident to get all of that? Weren't they upset you had reduced their herd?' asks Nicola.

    'Well, it was quite strange' said the chauffeur. 'I knocked on the door, and when the Farmer answered I said "I'm Nicola Sturgeon's chauffeur and I've got to tell you there has been an accident, and it was all my fault and the cow is dead". He shook my hand and invited me in!'



     
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #118 on: April 03, 2017, 07:20 »
    A woman will fake an orgasm for the sake of a relationship

    A man will fake a relationship for the sake of an orgasm
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #119 on: July 03, 2017, 07:27 »
    This might be of interest to some of you.
    The price of pies.
    In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15. In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95. In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but you can buy two for £3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is £2.25, or two for £3.25. They also offer meat and potato pie for £2, or two for £3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for £2.75, or two (any combination) for £4.75

    Those my friends are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean..
     ;)
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