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Archieboy

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #150 on: February 01, 2019, 13:46 »
I looked out of my window in horror last night at a crashed motorcyclist.

I rushed out and pushed through the crowd and a woman at the front said " thank goodness are you a doctor"

I said " No but thats my bloody pizza"
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #151 on: May 07, 2019, 08:01 »
    A couple, both age 78, went to an NHS sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

    The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

    The doctor looked puzzled but agreed.

    When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them £50.

    This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

    Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

    "We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
    "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges £90. The Hilton charges £108. We do it here for £50...and I get £43 back from Bupa
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #152 on: May 26, 2019, 09:32 »
    My mate told me to watch out for the step. I still fell.
    He was happy though, I left him a great review on Trip Adviser...
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #153 on: June 07, 2019, 07:26 »
    All of Jack Dee's children are bright,  but Ellie is the brightest.
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #154 on: October 15, 2019, 20:28 »
    I can't believe how rude the suppository helpline was
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  • Anchor

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #155 on: December 16, 2019, 16:07 »
    I had to go to the Doctors the other day.

    He asked me what was wrong.

    I told him I had five penisis.

    He asked me how my trousers fit.

    I said like a glove.
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  • Aim low and miss.

    Anchor

    • Sunday Rider
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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #156 on: December 16, 2019, 16:08 »
    I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but I had to give it up.

    It was one ting after another.
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #157 on: January 24, 2020, 20:51 »
    Man gets home tells his wife" get me a beer before it starts",he drinks it down then says" quick, get me another one before it starts"
    he drinks it and says "another one before it starts".
    The wife says" listen you fat lazy slob, you waltz in, sit down on yer arse and start barking orders who the flip do you think you are ...........
    Man says " Flip me its started "
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  • Joelsim

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #158 on: January 24, 2020, 21:15 »
    Man gets home tells his wife" get me a beer before it starts",he drinks it down then says" quick, get me another one before it starts"
    he drinks it and says "another one before it starts".
    The wife says" listen you fat lazy slob, you waltz in, sit down on yer arse and start barking orders who the flip do you think you are ...........
    Man says " Flip me its started "

    Thieves broke into West Ham United Football Club last night and stole the entire contents of the trophy room.

    Police are said to be on the lookout for a claret and blue carpet.
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #159 on: January 24, 2020, 21:56 »
    Why ain't we got a middle finger smiley thingy....
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #160 on: February 09, 2020, 17:19 »
    We have been getting a right battering in Essex from storm Ciara

    My missus was looking through the window and looked really worried.

    Eventually  I had to let her back in....
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #161 on: February 14, 2020, 12:38 »
    To all you gorgeous girls

    HAPPY VALENTINES DAY

    To all you fat birds, chin up it's 

    PANCAKE DAY next week  :cool
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #162 on: February 24, 2020, 15:14 »
    A mate (the bastard) texted me that there are speed cameras on the M50 if any West Ham fans are looking for 3 points tonight :lol
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  • Armchair Cyclist

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #163 on: March 20, 2020, 23:53 »
    It is speculated that a consequence of so many people being obliged to stay in at home is that there may be a spike in the birth rate.

    Does than mean that in late 2033/early 2034 there will be a huge number of quaranteens?
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #164 on: March 25, 2020, 20:56 »
    Prince Charles is in lockdown at Balmoral with Covid-19

    Prince Andrew is in lockdown in the Seychelles with Phoebe- 14
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #165 on: March 25, 2020, 21:03 »
    After years of scepticism I actually checked my horiscope today and can't believe how accurate it is

    Libra : You'll be spending  the day at home.
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #166 on: April 01, 2020, 21:32 »
    With virtually all live sport cancelled, Sky Sports have secured the rights to the 2020 World Origama games but unfortunately its paper veiw
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #167 on: April 01, 2020, 21:43 »
    With virtually all live sport cancelled, Sky Sports have secured the rights to the 2020 World Origama games but unfortunately its paper veiw

    Unfortunately it has been cancelled as the sponsors have folded




    Here all week :(
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  • Mellow Velo

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #168 on: April 01, 2020, 21:48 »

    Here all week :(

     Not if these jokes are anything to go by. :D
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  • "Science is a tool for cheaters". An anonymous French PE teacher.

    Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #169 on: April 15, 2020, 20:04 »
    My neighbour came round for a cup of sugar wearing nothing but a see through negligee. I then got a cheeky wink & invited round for coffee.

    "Sod of Dave" I said.



    Here all week :(
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #170 on: May 01, 2020, 08:12 »
    A man takes his wife to get tested

    Several days go by and he receives a call from the doctor

    The doctor tells him "due to an unfortunate mixup at the lab, we are not sure if your wife has Covid 19 or Alzheimer's  "

    The man clearly frustrated asks  "well what am I supposed to do with that information ?"

    The doctor calmly suggests " I recommend you take her for a very long walk and leave her. If she comes home, don't let her in".


    Here all week :(
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #171 on: June 10, 2020, 19:16 »
    Spare a thought for the poor souls who have to retrieve Edward Colston's statue from Bristol harbour.

    Let's hear it for quay workers..
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #172 on: July 20, 2020, 16:25 »
    Beatrice's wedding must have been a breath of fresh air for Prince Andrew.

    For once it wasn't someone else's daughter giving him away..   
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #173 on: December 20, 2020, 11:33 »
    I purchased a world map and then gave the wife a dart and said,
    " Throw this and wherever it lands , that's where I'm  taking you when this pandemic ends"

    Turns out were spending two weeks behind the fridge..
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #174 on: January 04, 2021, 11:16 »
    "What do we want?"
    A cure for obesity

    "When do we want it ?"
    After dinner
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  • Armchair Cyclist

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #175 on: February 06, 2021, 23:54 »
    There is an animal park near me.   

    Well, it claims to be, but it only has one species.  And not even a rare or wild species.  The domesticated dog, nothing more exciting then that.

    The one thing that could make a collection of dogs interesting is if it displayed the huge variety that humans have bred into them over tens of thousands of years to serve myriad purposes, but no: there is only one breed there.
    It is a shih tzu.
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  • Armchair Cyclist

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #176 on: February 24, 2021, 13:45 »
    Three holy men go into a blood donor centre.  They are each asked if they know what blood type they are.

    The priest says, "If I remember correctly, I am a type B negative."
    The baptist minister says, "I believe I am a type A positive."
    The rabbit says, "I think I must be a typo."
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  • Armchair Cyclist

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #177 on: February 24, 2021, 14:10 »
    Why do termites not get COVID-19?


    They have anty bodies.
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  • Joelsim

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #178 on: February 24, 2021, 21:21 »
    What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

    Donald Trump's never had a garbanzo bean on him.
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  • Archieboy

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    Re: The Joke Thread
    « Reply #179 on: February 26, 2021, 22:01 »
    Accidentally added Matt Hancock as a friend on Facebook

    Long story short I've been awarded four PPE contracts..
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